


Sins and Tragedies

by DestielHardcoreLove, Swlfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU!Destiel verses within a Canon-compliant setting, Alcohol Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel's not really dead, CharlieFEELS!, Drug Use, Hilarious Castiel moment, I don't know what else I'm sure I missed something, M/M, Presumed Dead!Castiel, Sammy Needs Brain Bleach, Seriously so much angst ya'll, Sleeping Pill abuse, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, canon adjacent, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 17:49:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13012995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielHardcoreLove/pseuds/DestielHardcoreLove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swlfangirl/pseuds/Swlfangirl
Summary: This is the story of Dean dealing with Castiel's death. It's not fluffy, it's not puppies or rainbows. It's grit and alcohol and too many dreams he can't hold onto. It's tragic hopelessness and sleeping pills, its falling over the brink of acceptance and giving up. Its finding one another after too long apart and holding onto the last tendrils of sanity as he feels the world crumbling around him. Its not white picket fences but it is their future cobbled together with whispered promises and reawakened hope.Obviously the title comes from the popular Panic@The Disco song, if you don't recognize it...do yourself a favor and look it up.





	Sins and Tragedies

“No Cas, you can’t just buy all three at the same time. You have to land on each of them individually...it’s mostly luck,” Dean said, chuckling to himself. Castiel was wearing his dorky confused expression while holding onto his fake money like it was the greatest thing he’d ever possessed. Inside his heart clenched a little. It ached but Dean liked that. If he could feel it, even for a second, it made it real.

 

Cas nodded in acknowledgement and then rolled the dice again. “Sorry buddy, you only get two chances if you roll doubles. The uh, the same number on both dice.”

 

Castiel sighed petulantly as he handed the dice back to Dean, “I do not understand the rules of this game Dean,” he grumbled, staring at the all the colorful squares along the edge.  It seemed frustrating, almost as much as that other one he used to play.  Mostly by himself of course but still frustrating.  

 

“Aww that’s okay, man. You’ll get the hang of it...or we could do something else. Go for a drive maybe?” Dean asked, he’d be happy doing anything as long as Cas was there with him. He didn’t even mind sitting in silence, just _being_ , as long as he had his best friend. “My baby’s all gassed up and ready to go. Or we could take your pimp mobile, I’d even let you get behind the wheel this time.”

 

Dean wanted so badly to be accommodating, to figure out exactly what Cas wanted and make sure to give him just that.

 

Maybe then…

 

Well, if he tried hard enough he’d figure it out.  

 

He always did.

 

Castiel smiled softly, one corner of his lips lifting as he laid a hand on top of Dean’s, “It’s okay.  I like being here, with you.  Let’s keep playing, like you said.  I’ll get the hang of it, especially with your help,” he said then looked back down at the properties again.  His hand staying right where it was.

 

“Yeah, you’ll uh-” Dean coughed, a warmth curling into his cheeks. “You’ll get it.”

 

Just as his hand tipped the dice onto the board he felt it.

 

“No, no please.. Not yet… not yet,” he called out but like a flash he’d moved from the warm den of the bunker back to his cold grey room.

 

It had once felt like something important, like home. Now it’s just a constant reminder of everything he’ll never have. His dreams; dreams, nightmares, something...they were tearing him to pieces day after day, night after night.

 

No matter what he did, it just never seemed to stop.

 

Lately he’d started to think that maybe it wasn’t so bad. Sure, he’d always woke up but that was the part that felt wrong, not the dream. The dream was right, good, sometimes it even felt real.

 

It’s reality that left him feeling empty, wrong, hopeless.

 

Dean reached under his bed and unscrewed the lid from the bottle of Jack he grabbed. He pulled it to his lips and took a long swig, trying not to acknowledge the burn it left in his throat. Somehow that seemed to be the only thing that made him feel the reality of his waking hours and he didn’t like to remember which world was which.

 

Eventually, Jack would numb it all again, but that was probably half a bottle away.

 

There was a knock on his door and Dean had the notion that if he just ignored it maybe Sammy would think he was still asleep and leave him be but, he probably wasn’t that lucky. “I’m fine, Sam...now go away.”

 

“I uh, got you some food Dean, you haven’t eaten since yesterday now open up,” Sam called out, the bag of fast food heavy in his hand.

 

“I grabbed a bite late last night while you were asleep,” Dean lied, though his stomach rumbled so loudly that it probably gave him away even through the heavy metal door. He closed his eyes tightly and just wished for a minute, that the room would disappear around him and he’d be with Cas again.

 

“C’mon man, I know you’re lyin,” Sam sighed, fingers pushing against his eyes.  Dean been locked up in that room for days now, only escaping for basic needs. Food wasn’t one of them unfortunately. He’d give it a bit more time before he called in for some help.

 

“Look, I’ll leave the bag here if you change your mind.  Just, please eat something okay?” Sam begged, waiting for a second for any kind of response.  When none came he trudged back down the hall toward the library.

 

_Finally, he was left in peace._

* * *

 

 

Dean tightened the hose onto the tap and grinned at the setup he’d worked out. It had taken a while but soon they’d both be having fun and maybe, if he got up the nerve he could pull Cas in tight against his chest and kiss that goofy smile right off his face.

 

It had already been well worth the effort when he caught a glimpse of Cas in his borrowed basketball shorts and crumpled AC/DC tee. When he’d first noticed, the warmth of his cheeks had nothing to do with the sun.

 

Castiel had always been handsome but there was something about putting him in casual clothes, in _his_ clothes that turned a moment that should have been innocent, into a vision straight out of his fantasies.

 

When he finally got himself under control, Dean turned back to him with a big grin.

 

“Alright, you ready?” he asked, looking at the massive web of sprinklers he hooked up behind the bunker.

 

Castiel huffed out a laugh as he saw the all the work Dean had put into this thoughtful gesture.  Even though it was massive and they still hadn’t discovered all the nooks and crannies of the bunker, no pool had been found. This had set Dean in motion, and to his surprise, Castiel loved it.

 

“Yes, what do we do?” he asked, his cheeks already hurting from the smile that didn’t seem to want to vanish.

 

“You stay right there, just for a minute.” Dean turned the spigot on and soon the whole field behind the bunker was shooting water into the air. He was just a little damp when he reached Cas, avoiding most of the spray so they could experience it together. He held out his palm toward the Angel and chuckled, “Give me your hand.”

 

Castiel laughed again but gripped onto Dean’s hand.  He drew in a breath just as Dean tugged on his arm, pulling him through the spraying water at a quick speed.  Castiel gasped as the cold water hit his skin and when they reached the other side both of them laughing.

 

“That was so much fun!” Castiel said, gripping onto Dean’s hand and this time it was his turn to pull Dean through.

 

They ran through the spray over and over again until their clothes were drenched and clinging to their bodies. Dean could barely see in front of him but it didn’t matter. When he pulled, Cas followed and vice versa.

 

It was as if time stood still in that moment. Feet planted in the warm grass, chests heaving from exertion.  “Cas I-” he started, unable to say what was in his heart for the thousandth time. Cowering again to his fear of the response.

 

Dean kept his smile on. Though it felt a little forced once he realized he was never going to gather the courage to do what he wanted to...never had, never would.

 

Castiel smiled wide as he stepped closer, his hand rising up to brush some of the hair that had fallen onto Dean’s forehead.  The way Dean’s eyes fluttered shut and how he pressed his head into his hand had Castiel swallowing hard.  Fingers brushed over Dean’s cheeks until he was cupping his face, “I know Dean, I know,” he whispered, moving in so that their foreheads could touch.  

 

“You-you do?” he asked, more insecure than he could remember ever being. Swallowing hard, he wanted to say it anyway, to just...to push through the fear and tell him. But what if he didn’t know, what if he just thought he knew and he was really thinking something completely diff-.

 

Dean’s brain started to short out because soft lips were pushing against his own, strong hands cupping his cheek and neck. The kiss wasn’t soft, sweet, or subtle but a brash press of a mouth on his and the string of teeth biting at his lower lip.

 

It was passionate, more so than he could have ever imagined and it felt like he was finally home.

 

Castiel pulled back just enough to draw in a shuddering breath, still close enough that there was not even an inch of space between them, their lips still brushing as he spoke, “Dean...I lo-”

 

Before Dean could even feel the familiar tugging at his consciousness, he was jerked awake harshly. His vision blurry for a few beats before he saw a familiar form looming over him. ‘Sammy, I swear to Chuck if you don’t get out of my room right now, I might seriously hurt you.”

 

“Dean, what the hell man!  You’ve been asleep all day, you haven’t touched the food I left for you.  And man, you fucking reek, get up and take care of yourself or I’ll call Jody.  I promise once you at least look like a human being,  you can come back in here,” Sam ordered.  Dean opened his mouth to argue but he held out his phone that had Jody’s name on it, all he had to do was hit the call button.

 

“Don’t make me do it,” he threatened.

 

“Do whatever the hell you want Sam, just do it somewhere else,” Dean said, the after effects of his dream still tearing him up inside. He was so close. Was Cas really going to say it? He’d waited so long to hear those words, to say them...was it really too much to ask to even just dream them?

 

Part of him just wanted to lay there and rot. Cas wasn’t coming back, not really...he could just stop.

 

Stop eating, stop living, stop breathing.

 

No, not without killing Sam, he couldn’t. The damn kid was stubborn as a mule and while Dean could kick his ass if he was anywhere remotely near fighting shape, he felt like a gust of wind would knock him over as it were.

 

“Fine, I’ll eat. A-and shower. But let me make one thing perfectly clear, Sammy...look me in the eye so you know how serious I’m being here,” Dean said, pausing to make sure Sam was actually looking at him. “If you come into my room and you wake me up again, I will kick your ass all over this bunker.”

 

“Whatever Dean, just...do something,” Sam said and left the room.  He was still going to make that call...this was seriously getting out of hand.

* * *

 

  


There was a case, Dean didn’t really wanna get out of bed but Sam kept pushing and he knew it was the only way to get the kid to shut up. It was a salt and burn, rougher than most...really took its toll on him but he managed to get through it and finally they were only a few miles outside of Lebanon.

 

Sammy was asleep in the passenger’s seat and Dean needed to up his supplies so he stopped in at a convenience store just off 83. He grabbed a few bottles of Jack and some easy snacks that could mean less time outside his room, less listening to Sam’s lecture bullshit. He started to grab some advil when something caught his eye.

 

_Unisom- nighttime sleep aid._

 

He figured, why not? Maybe it would help him stay asleep a little longer. If he was lucky, maybe he could even have enough time. Time to find the courage to kiss Cas again, or at least tell him what he’d been holding in all these years.He laid it out on the counter and the stoner side eyed him a bit over the booze and medicine combo, he assumed, but he rang him up anyway. Good ol’, turn a blind eye, America. Dean saluted on his way out, chuckling to himself.

 

Sam groaned before sitting straight up, his vision still blurry and not making out the bunker before them.  His neck was cramped from the weird angle, in fact his entire body felt strung out.  The case had gone badly, if he was being honest it seemed like Dean had lost his edge during the fight.  Biting his lip he quickly followed Dean into the bunker and cleared his throat before his brother could disappear into his room.

 

“Heya Dean, why don’t we go use the gun range?  Haven’t been in there for a while yeah?” he said.

 

“Nah, I’m beat man..just gonna grab some sleep.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, the drive had taken quite a bit out of him. It was harder now that they were getting older. Sitting behind the wheel for nine hours straight was hell on his joints.  

 

“Dean…” Sam stopped when his brother leveled him with a look.  He held up his hands in surrender and watched as Dean stalked off.  Sam sighed heavily as he sunk down in one of the chairs.

 

Finally back in his room, Dean locked the door and dropped his duffle bag at the foot of his bed. He pulled off his boots and threw his top layers onto the floor before sliding between the sheets. Dean reached for the bag of booze, the pills almost forgotten until they fell into his lap, literally.

 

Shrugging, he figured if the devil himself couldn’t kill him, what the hell are some booze an sleeping pills gonna do?

 

He popped two into his mouth and swallowed them down with a few gulps of his old friend Jack.

 

A few minutes later he settled in and just as he closed his eyes, he felt like he was being pulled under. He blinked them open and he was still in bed, though...it was different. It was warmer, the room was painted a light shade of blue and there was a slim body tucked neatly under his arm. For a second, Dean panicked. He thought he’d left the string of one night stands behind him, it had to be Cas, surely it was “Cas?”

 

“Hmm?  What is it baby?” Castiel asked sleepily, rolling over to see his husband staring wide at him, his mouth slightly parted in a gasp.  Castiel chuckled, leaning up to kiss at his lips, “You still wake up surprised to find me here,” he said and kissed him again, this time a bit longer, “I’ve told you before and I’ll keep telling you, I’m not going anywhere,” he said softly.

 

“Now what does my beautiful husband want for breakfast hm?” he asked rolling out of the bed, completely unashamed of his nakedness.

 

“Nice try, but I think last time I let you cook you nearly burned the house down, Angel. Just give me a second and I’ll  get-,” Dean had just opened his eyes again, grateful for this moment even if he felt a little awkward at the _husband_ card. It was something he didn’t think about too much, knew it was something he’d never really have so he just buried it down under every other bullshit fantasy he’d been holding onto. But seeing Castiel, naked, unafraid...it drew things out of him that he couldn’t even name. “You know what? I think I’d actually just really prefer it if you came back to bed. Maybe you could show me all your tricks to being an awesome husband, so I can step up my game.”

 

“Take it easy on me, though. Pretend like it’s the first time,” Dean said with a wide smirk. He somehow felt more confident the longer he looked at Castiel’s perfect body, or was it Jimmy’s? Honestly he didn’t really care.

 

“Angel?  That’s a new one.  I thought you settled on Bee?” Castiel chuckled, eyes rolling fondly as he came back to Dean’s side of the bed.  He only bent down to kiss him, easily pulling away when Dean tried to pull him onto the bed, “As much as I would love to school you on my awesome husband skills, you have to waltz your sexy ass to the shop.  I’m sure Vic and Benny are already chomping at the bit to get a peek at the renovations,” Castiel grinned.

 

It went from weird to weirder fast. This Cas, wasn’t his Cas. His Cas was awkward and there’d always been this, this _something_ behind his eyes. It was strange to look into them and not see it, not feel the power inside. Even the times he’d been human there’d always been a weird Cas vibe to everything he did. Now he just seemed to be a regular guy, one that was hot as hell but still...Dean blinked a few times...Vic-Victor? Agent Henrickson? Benny?

 

“Right, the reno… Okay, sure. You don’t have to worry about breakfast, though. I can just grab something on the way.” Part of him wanted to convince Castiel to come back to bed. He was pretty sure he could if he really put some effort into it, but more than that, he had friends waiting for him? Would Benny be there if he left? Or would he just wake up from the dream?

 

Castiel frowned and sat down on the edge of the bed, “You okay baby?  If you want we can just play hookie today.  I can call Hannah to watch the store for a few hours,” he said touching the side of Dean’s face.

 

“Uh, no no that’s okay… I wanna go to the uh, the shop.” There was a tingling in the back of Dean’s mind like a memory was forming inside the dream and the next thing he knew he was standing in front of a big storefront that read _Singer Auto Repair._

 

He patted his pockets and quickly found a set of keys and swallowed hard when he saw the familiar shape of Baby’s pair.

 

Good. Good. At least some things never change.

 

“Alright, here we go,” he said, turning the key and flipping the lights on. He was barely inside the door when a familiar voice filled the air of the room.

 

“Hey Dean!  What took you so long?  Castiel making you late again?” Victor teased as Benny shook his head but couldn’t help the leer that appeared on his lips.

 

“Benny!” Dean said, feeling himself be a little too overeager but he couldn’t stop it. It was so good to see the guy in front of him again. ‘Oh man, I missed you.”

 

“C’mere Vic, you too.”

 

Both men laughed but gave Dean a hug anyway, “Man we just saw you last night!” Victor teased.

 

“Sex with Cas must be damn good if he got him to forget yesterday, especially with that prick Dick Roman coming in and all,” Benny grinned, patting Dean on the back even though he was giving his best friend a little worried look.  
  
Dean swallowed, what if Dick was still a monster...Cas wasn’t an angel anymore but Dick could be-.  
  
He blinked and the world seemed to shift around him. His body was a little sore, like he’d put in a good day's work but he didn’t remember a damn minute of it. Dean was standing in front of a little cafe, something that looked like it was straight out of a hipster catalogue.

 

 _HoneyBean_ was scrawled across the little awning over the door.

 

The minute he walked in, there was no more guessing.

 

Cas was here.

 

“Welcome to Honey Bean, oh Dean hello!” Hannah called out with a wave, “Castiel is in the stockroom do you want your usual?” she asked with a bright smile.

 

“Ye-yeah, Hannah...that would be great.” It was a little weird seeing her like this. She wasn’t wearing a suit for starters, which was a giant neon sign for most dealings with Angels.

 

Archangels and oddly Balthazar being the only exceptions.

 

She was softer, more relaxed than he’d ever seen her, though not that there was much of that.

 

“Can I?” he asked, though he didn’t need to apparently because she rolled her eyes and pointed toward the back with her head.

 

Dean made his way through the door and nearly moaned aloud when the scent of apples, cinnamon, and sugar hit his nose. “Oh god, is this heaven? It smells like heaven.”

 

“You say that everytime,” Castiel laughed the moment he heard Dean’s voice, “We actually made that a permanent drink. After the way you moaned like a pornstar while drinking it, other customers wanted to try it,” Castiel shoved a box back onto the shelf and made his way off the ladder he was on, “Called it Impala,” he grinned walking over to Dean to get his hello kiss.

 

“Well yeah, who wouldn’t love a warm apple pie in a drink with the added kick of caffeine?” He put the cup to his lips and in that moment, Dean was sure he’d never tasted anything better.

  


Well, except for Cas, maybe. Though he hadn’t had a lot of time to experiment with that, unfortunately.

 

Speaking of which…

 

Dean sat his cup down and pulled his _husband_ back against him. This time, savoring each and every single thing about the moment. Burning it into his mind and silently praying that it wouldn’t leave him when he woke up.

 

He needed this.

 

Cas could heal him if he could just stay like this.

 

It was a high unlike anything he’d ever felt and Dean found himself pressing Cas into the counter, pushing for more quickly. He didn’t mean for it to go any further, but his body responded regardless.

 

When he was forced to pull away, his chest was heaving and he was breathless.

 

“Mmm, someone’s hungry,” Castiel teased biting his lip and glancing at the door before dragging his hand over the bulge in Dean’s pants, “C’mere,” he said and pulled Dean further into the stockroom where he had a few counters setup to wrap gifts for displays.  He jumped up on one of them and pulled Dean close, his legs circling around Dean’s waist, “Missed you today,” he hummed before diving back in with lips, teeth, and tongue.

 

“Mmm, you t-ungh- you too,” he said between the playful nips at his mouth. Castiel’s hand on him, even through the layer of denim was almost too much to handle. Dean was _not_ the guy who spilled over some low-level frottage, okay?

 

He was experienced.

 

A seasoned vet.

 

He wasn’t some fumbling teenager anymore.

 

Yet when the long, slender fingers grabbed at his dick again Dean knew none of that mattered. It was _Cas_ and for _Cas_ he was still a fucking fumbling teenager.  

 

“I uh, I can’t..I may not be able to hold out as long as I usually do,” Dean whispered, feeling himself crumble… to have this moment with Cas, even if it wasn’t real was more than he knew he’d ever have gotten in reality.

 

“It’s okay baby, just means you’ll last longer when I ride you into oblivion tonight,” Castiel grinned quickly squeezing the base of Dean’s cock as his husband shuddered, “Can’t have you spilling in your pants though,” he said and slid off the counter to drop onto his knees.  With one more glance toward where the door was he swallowed Dean down and moaned as his head slid right into his throat.

 

It took a few minutes for Dean to truly wrap his head around the fact that it was actually happening, that Cas really was getting on his knees to suck him off. It was probably the only thing that kept him from shooting even _more_ embarrassingly quick.

 

His mind seemed to shut down as Cas pulled off and before he could even say thank you, or I love you, he felt the strings of reality pulling him back.

 

“No no no no,” Dean mumbled to himself, the familiar gray walls starting to feel like a plague to him. He reached for the pills and took two more, gulping the liquor bottle until he started to feel it in his toes.

 

“C’mon, take me back...take me back… please.”

* * *

 

 

Benny stumbled a bit as Dean all but slammed into his shoulder, he finished cutting the other vampire’s head off and then turned to find Dean staring around, his eyes wide and if Benny was seeing correctly...a little terrified.  

 

“You alright there, boss?” Benny asked scooping up the knife Dean had dropped, handing it back to the man.

 

“Oh...yeah, I’m good...let’s keep movin’,” Dean said, the sepia landscape achingly familiar. It took entirely too long for him to remember it was a nightmare, or _maybe_ it was. Hell, maybe he was still stuck in this place and every other fucking thing had been a dream.

 

They walked, Dean’s legs feeling tired but not so much that it prevented him from pushing further, going harder.

 

Cas was out there somewhere and regardless of what this place was, he’d find his Angel.

 

They’d been walking for what felt like days, searching for this _angel_ to get back home.  Every lead they got turned to be nothing and they walked some more.  He could see how tired Dean was even if he fought tooth and nail through each attack.  

 

“Dean...now, don’t go swingin’ at me but what is so special about this guy?  It’s obvious he don’t wanna be found, even if it is you who’s lookin,” he said as the pushed through some trees.

 

“Look, I’ll be the first to admit that maybe, there’s a little more humanity in you than most bloodsuckers,” Dean said, half flinching at himself. Benny was a good guy, had saved his ass more than a few times but explaining about Cas, even if he could, just wasn’t something he was comfortable doing. “But since you don’t seem to understand. I’ll make it clear. ‘I don’t care if it takes an eternity, and my corpse is nothing but dust. I’m not going topside without Cas, you get it now?”

 

“Alright now, I get that.  I really do but every time we get close, he’s not there.  Did ya do somethin to piss him off to keep him runnin from ya?” Benny asked and had to quickly dodge the fist trying to connect with his face.

 

“Whoa, okay bad choice of words…” Benny said with a huffed out laugh.

 

“He’s not running from me, just..probably has something on his tail. He’s a fucking angelic soldier, I can’t expect him to stick around and carry my books like a teenage girl, okay? But we’re making progress and I know we’ll catch up with him,” Dean said, feeling the words like an itch he couldn’t quite reach. There was a little too much truth to what Benny was saying, enough to make him wish that he’d have landed that hit.

 

But why would Cas run from him? It didn’t make sense.

 

Well whatever the reason, Dean would track his holy ass down and drag him home. Cas did the same for him in Hell, it was about time he returned the favor.

 

“Whatever you say brother,” Benny said following him again.  It was another few hours and several more dead creatures before they got another lead.  He barely kept up with Dean as they ran towards the stream.  Benny cursed under his breath when he caught sight of a crouched figure swimming in an old ripped up trench coat.  

 

“Cas? CAS!” Dean said,  blinking a few times to make sure the image of him there, didn’t disappear. He moved quickly down the small hill and felt his smile widen across his face as he let out a short chuckle. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and everything felt right again, slid back into place where it belonged. Dean and Cas, Cas and Dean. The steady hum in the back of his mind dulled to silence as he squeezed his arms around the angel.

 

“Damn it’s good to see you,” he said, regretfully pulling away.

 

“Dean?” Castiel said, his voice coming out as a question.  He thought he’d done so well, keeping ahead of his hunter just enough to keep the leviathans away from him.  Taking a break to drink from the stream had been foolish and cost him those few seconds to keep Dean away from him.  Dean gently pushed away from him and Castiel swallowed hard, the guilt of just...everything pinching his features.  Dean looked so thrilled, Castiel wished he could feel the same.

 

“Nice peach fuzz,” Dean said, then changing the combative memory a little when his hand lingered by the thick scruff lining his angel’s jaw. He hesitated there, having to mentally and physically drag himself away before he just pulled Cas against him and kissed him right there. So many dreams, so many worlds where it had seemed to be okay but this one, it felt far too real, and the old fears and anxieties clamped up inside his chest quickly.

 

Remembering himself, Dean grinned. “I got somebody I want you to meet. This is Benny. Benny, this is Cas.”

 

Castiel simply nodded, keeping his distance from the vampire.  He needed to get away.  He needed to get away from Dean to keep him safe.  The longer he stood still the more he could feel their presence growing stronger.

 

Benny watched the way the angel flinched and fidgeted and he couldn’t keep his tongue still, “Why’d you bail on Dean?”

 

“Dude-,” Dean said, trying his best to feel affronted but part of him knew there was truth to Benny’s suspicions. If Cas wasn’t actively trying to get away from them, it wouldn’t have taken them so damn long to find him. Despite himself, his eyes turned back to Cas waiting for an answer as Benny kept going.

 

“Nah, the way I hear it, you two hit monster land and hot wings here took off and I figure he owes you some answers…”

 

He wanted to refute it, to make up another story, but the sharp sting of betrayal he felt the first time crawled back under his skin. “Don’t you know, don’t you get it, Cas? No matter what it is, which sonuvabitch out there that wants us dead, whatever we’re up against...We’re better together.”

 

Dean felt the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes, even through the anesthesia of Purgatory. “I prayed to you, Cas...every night. To _you_ Cas. Not God, Not your dickbag brothers, but you.” His voice started to break, the streams of slick tears were probably visible but he didn’t care. The emotions past and present welled up inside him.  “You’re the only fucking one that I believe in enough to pray and you, you..”

 

Castiel’s head tilted a little as the power of Dean’s words began to break him inside, he wanted so badly to reach out but something was screaming at him to stop, “Dean...I’m-I’m so sorry.  You know why I had to though.  We’ve been here before, you can feel that.  I had to keep you safe, you’re the only thing mattered,” Castiel said softly, this time ignoring that screaming voice and grabbing Dean’s hand.

 

“What-what is this?” Dean asked, looking down where their hands were locked together. He was still so raw, so full of _everything_ but it was all put on hold as his eyes stared at their intertwined fingers.

 

Swallowing, he glanced up.

 

“I wish this could have ended differently, I wish I could take things back and redo them but I never can.  It’s time to wake up now Dean, wake up,” Castiel said with a sad smile as a tear fell down his cheek.

 

The familiar gray greeted him and Dean blindly reached for the trash as the bile rushed into his throat. He heaved a few times, the emotions leftover from his dream still clinging to him. He sobbed, just fell to the floor hugging the trash can and sobbed.

 

He knew it was bad, he didn’t even want to wake up anymore. But whether he was going crazy or the dreams were as real as they felt, he’d never be able to give up on Cas.

* * *

 

 

The weeks passed like that, he made minimal conversation with Sam...enough that he stopped hounding him constantly. It didn’t take much really, just slap on a fake smile, make a some...look I’m eating gestures, and share a couple cold ones with his brother. Then bam, the kid was convinced he was cured.

 

Then came the knock.

 

Dean groggily answered the door, knowing that if he was on his feet Sam seemed to pay less attention. “What is it?”

 

“There’s a case a few miles away, get dressed,” Sam stated, nearly bouncing on his toes.  He was so eager to get his brother back out and this was the perfect case for them.  

 

“No can do, Sammy..I think I’m comin’ down with something...how close we talkin?” Dean asked, keeping his head down so Sam couldn’t really see the glassiness of his eyes. He couldn’t see that well so he knew something was going on with them. “Just call me if you need backup, k? Alright..”

 

“Whoa hey, you sure?  I can stay and make sure you’re alright,” Sam said quickly keeping the door from slamming in his face.

 

“Nah, I think there’s some nyquil in the bathroom somewhere I’ll just sleep it off, no problem.” Dean said, barely resisting the urge to shut the door, but if he did it would probably bring back the nagging brother he’d just gotten rid of. “Seriously, probably just a little cold. No big.”

 

Sam frowned at the mention of the nyquil but decided to let it slide if Dean really was sick, “Okay, call me if you need anything okay?” he asked, getting only a brief nod and the door slamming in his face as his answer.  He waited for a few seconds before sighing and turning to get his stuff.

 

“There we go, that’s better…” Dean said quietly to himself, crawling back into bed. He wouldn’t be able to go straight back to sleep, he’d learned that the hard way but he could lay there for awhile and give Sam time to leave before he went out and bought supplies.

 

He was gonna sleep as much of the next few days as nature would allow. His time with Cas had been getting cut shorter and shorter and it was taking him longer and longer to fall deep enough to actually have dreams. But without Sam standing over his shoulder every hour, he might be able to see his angel again soon.

 

Hours later Dean was ready. He had a bag full of snacks, because funnily enough it did help if he ate in advance. He’d had to spend a few hours on the road going to different stores but he had quite a few boxes of sleeping pills, and a few more bottles of good ol’ Jack.

 

He ate enough that his stomach was satisfied without filling himself up so much he’d get sick when he woke up. It was a fine balance and he’d learned how to walk it well. Then he threw back some pills and chased them with Jack. He sipped from the bottle for another fifteen minutes, while his body slowly started to calm down.

 

His angel was waiting on him.

 

“Dean honey!  You’re gonna be late picking up Castiel!” Mary called from downstairs.  She had a special surprise for her son and John stood nearby with a playful scowl on his face.  Somehow she’d talked him into giving Dean the keys to his precious Impala and she couldn’t wait to see her son’s face.

 

 _Message to Dean:_ I’m so excited and nervous, please tell me you haven’t changed your mind and you’re still coming to pick me up???

 

Dean stared down at the phone in his hand. _Cas_ displayed neatly across the screen.

 

 _Message to Cas:_ I’ll be there. I’ll always be there.

 

Wait, Mom? It had taken him a minute to even realize that it was Mary’s voice that carried up the stairs. Dean started toward her but paused when he saw himself in the mirror. He was wearing a tuxedo and, holy shit he was young.

 

 _Really young_.

 

Man he really hoped Cas wasn’t in thirty year old Jimmy Novak cause then things could get really awkward given that Dean would still kiss him if given half the chance.

 

Shaking his head, he walked out of his room and down the stairs just before he was nearly blinded by a big flash. “Mom, c’mon.”

 

“Oh my baby looks so handsome!” Mary squealed rushing forward to hug him, careful of his suit.  John chuckled behind them.

 

“Mary let the boy breathe,” he said with a fond shake of his head, “You nervous kiddo?” he asked.

 

“Nah, it’s Cas. Nothin’ to be nervous about,” Dean said, though his dad lifted a brow at him when he looked down to find Dean’s hands shaking.

 

Scowling, Dean stuck them in his pocket. “It’s just Prom,” he said, though he wasn’t actually sure, just a whisper of a memory being filled into his mind that pushed him to say it. “Not like we’re getting married.”

 

Mary opened her mouth to go into one of her speeches but John cut her off, “Sweetheart, get the surprise for Dean,” he said and she eagerly nodded, rushing into the other room.

 

“Listen kiddo, I know I’ve been kinda hard on you lately.  But I want you know that I’m proud of ya and I know you’re making a good choice here with Cas.  We love the kid but you gotta promise me that no matter what happens tonight, you two will be safe,” he said sternly, giving Dean a knowing look.  Before his son could answer though John grabbed his hand, passing over several condoms.

 

“Do not tell your mother.”

 

“Oh my G-” he said, feeling heat flame on his face. It felt like his eighteenth birthday all over again. Of course, Dean had lost his virginity two years prior to it, but his dad must have figured their life on the road didn’t lend itself to stuff like that. Cause he handed over the keys to the Impala and a box of condoms, and sent him on his first hunt alone.

 

But that was another life, this...this had Cas. It had _Cas_ , and Mom and Dad and Sammy too probably...that was more than he’d had in his old life in a long damn time. Clearing his throat, Dean nodded toward John. “Uh- thanks, dad.”

 

John merely smiled and patted him on the shoulder before taking a step back just as Mary came bustling back into the room, “Now, I know you’ve been preoccupied with trying so hard to find a nice suit.  Even spending all your money on it so we got you this to give Castiel,” she said handing him a plastic container with a lily boutonniere inside.

 

“Thanks, mom. I mean it..this is awesome,” Dean grinned, hugging her again when she came close. She still smelled like her old vanilla based perfume, filling him up with warm memories.

 

“And...this,” she said handing him the keys to the Impala.

 

“Really?” Dean said, trying to mimic the surprise he felt the first time his dad handed him the keys. He was actually a little surprised that they were giving it to him, but he was grateful all the same.  
  
  
“Thanks you guys, this is awesome,” he said, pulling them both into hugs before heading for the door. Almost like he was reading words on a script his mouth opened just before he closed it behind him. “I’m probably gonna crash at Charlie’s or something. Don’t wait up.”

 

Unfortunately, he didn’t even make it to the Impala before he was standing nervously in front of Cas’ door. Sometimes the jumping bothered him, blinking and the world changing around him but it saved time, he guessed.

 

“Okay, it’s time, Winchester. Let’s do this,” he said, and knocked.

 

Chuck opened the door and smiled brightly, “Dean!  Thank God you’re here, Castiel’s a nervous wreck,” he laughed a little, “Cassie, Dean’s here!” Chuck yelled up the stairs.

 

“Hey, Mr. Shurley.” Dean said, snorting a little to himself. He was just about to ask what Gabe was up to but his breath caught in his throat when he saw the stunning silver suit clinging to his boyfriend. He was somehow a young Jimmy and not, he was uniquely Cas without the twelve heads and stuff.

 

Dean didn’t have to question it, he just looked and he saw Cas, his Cas.

 

“Wow.”

 

Castiel blushed, fingers raising to push up his glasses, “I can say the same for you, that suit looks amazing on you,” Castiel said moving to stand in front of his boyfriend.  Dean looked beautiful and couldn’t help smoothing his hands down the lapels of his jacket, “Dad wants to get a few pictures then we can go okay?” he said biting on his bottom lip.

 

“Yeah, sure...whatever you want, sweetheart.” Dean said, grinning as he took one of Cas’ hand in his and brought the boutineer out from behind his back with the other. ‘Sorry, I know it’s a little cheesy...but my mom got it and I thought it was kinda cool so I figured I’d see what you thought. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.”

 

“Oh I want to!  It’s beautiful,” Castiel said quickly.  He waited for Dean to pin it on him before going into another phase of blushing as he rushed into the kitchen to get the one he picked out for Dean.  It was the darkest crimson rose he could find and it would look spectacular on Dean’s suit.  

 

“I guess I get to be a little cheesy too?” he giggled taking it out to pin onto Dean.  Meanwhile Chuck stood off to the side taking pictures for himself and for Dean’s parents.

 

“Eh, cheesy looks really good on you,” Dean said, feeling much more nervous than he’d ever actually been in high school. Cas had a way of making him feel safe, comfortable, at home, and still spike his nerves and everything else inside him up to it’s highest frequency.

 

“You ready to go?” he asked.

 

Before they could actually leave, Dean blinked and his arms were wrapped tightly around Cas’ waist. There was floppy black hair tickling at his mouth from the way Cas had his head bent onto Dean’s shoulder, and they were swaying to “Can’t fight this feeling.”

 

Castiel loved the way Dean’s arms tightened around him, as if he were afraid Castiel would disappear from him in an instant.  He hummed softly as he dragged his fingers through the back of Dean’s hair, careful to not mess up the gelled parts.  

 

“I can’t believe we finally made it here,” he whispered.

 

“I know, I never thought I’d be able to have this,” Dean answered, feeling a little too much. “You, me, here...like this. It’s a dream come true,” he said with a deep chuckle.

 

Castiel pulled back with a little frown, “Are you having those nightmares again?  Where you're some kind of hunter and I’m an angel?” he asked softly.  Those dreams plagued Dean so much they always seemed to warp his sense of reality.  Dean’s eyes widened and Castiel leaned in to kiss his lips softly, “It’s not real Dean.  This is.  You and me, always,” he said before kissing him again.

 

Part of his heart ached at the words, it seemed to shatter and leave jagged little pieces in his chest, but still he smiled. It must not have been something he needed if it made him so damn happy to leave it behind.

 

“Always,” he agreed, letting himself melt into the word. Dean really wanted keep the moment until the end of time itself, and beyond that. If there was only the barest imprint of his life left in the world, that moment was the one he’d choose.

 

Not the nightmares of dread and responsibility weighing him down all the time. No more monsters, no more death, just him and Cas for always.

* * *

 

  


They stayed close, dancing through every song no matter how cheesy it was.  Their friends cut in a few times but Dean and Castiel were never apart for any length of time.  It wasn’t until the announcement of the last song that Castiel got nervous, his palms sweaty as held Dean close to him.

 

“I have a surprise for you,” he whispered in Dean’s ear.

 

“Oh yeah?” Dean asked, his heart beating louder against his ribs. A warmth curled in his core, flooding through him like lava. Chuckling to himself due to the nervousness building in his gut, he said, “Well? What are we waiting for?”

 

“The end of the song silly,” Castiel laughed, his eyes going wide when it finally stopped and the lights turned back on.  Now Dean could see just how red Castiel was.  He ducked his head shyly but couldn’t keep himself from smiling.

 

“We’re not going to Charlie’s,” he said biting his lip and taking his hand.

 

“Where are we going then?” Dean asked. Though with the blush coloring Cas’ cheeks, he didn’t have to guess too hard. Part of him wanted to laugh about how adorable his an-boyfriend was but Dean began to feel his own face flush with warmth.

 

Castiel waited until they were outside, next to the Impala when he reached into his pocket, pushing a keycard into Dean’s hand, “Gabriel helped me but it’s paid for the entire weekend,” Castiel said, face going completely crimson.  He was so nervous but underneath his tummy was fluttering with excitement.  He wanted this so badly with Dean, before they both went off to college where things could change.  

 

“You sure about this, Sweetheart?” Dean asked. They’d both been waiting for quite some time but if Cas really wanted this, there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make it good for him. “It’s a bit of a cliche’ but I’m on board if it’s really something you think we’re ready for.”

 

“I’m sure,” Castiel swallowed hard and took a breath to calm himself, “I want to, I want _you,”_ he said wrapping his arms tightly around Dean’s neck to pull him in for a deep kiss.  He giggled when Dean pushed him up against the car and parted his lips for Dean’s tongue to explore.

 

Dean let out a small groan at the confidence of the movement, but Cas swallowed it up in their kiss. It was everything and more, a sweet honey on his tongue, lithe muscle beneath his hands. His world began to spin a bit as the kiss drew on and on, taking and giving more than he ever imagined possible.

 

When he finally had to draw back for air, Dean blinked at the space around them. He felt his face flush and a chuckle managed to escape his lips as Cas tugged on his hand. They sprinted down the open hallway, until Cas stopped in front of a door that said _“Room 918”_.

 

“I hope you like it,” Castiel said, his hand shaking a little as he pushed the card in, unlocking the door with a click.  It was a smaller room but he had loved the pictures.  When he and Gabriel had come earlier that day to drop off some supplies Castiel had been relieved that it actually matched what he saw on his computer.  

 

“Wow, this is… this is awesome, Cas.” Dean looked around the room, his gaze hesitating on the bed until he felt his cheeks heat up again and pushed his eyes to focus on the desk. There were flowers poking out of their vase in every direction, it felt very relaxed and warm. It was actually pretty perfect. There weren't rose petals spread all over the bed and the floor, not that he’d have wanted that anyway. Maybe Cas might have liked it but this room, this was picked for him and somehow that made everything a hundred times better. “It’s perfect, really.”

 

“Good,” Castiel breathed a sigh of relief and let the door close behind them, “I uh, stopped by your place while you were out with your dad and packed a bag for you, it’s in the closet if you wanna change.  And there’s some food in the fridge,” Castiel said, nervously flitting around the room and Dean stopped him with his hands on Castiel’s hips.

 

“Hey, there’s no rush here. No pressure. It’s just me, Cas.” Dean tugged at his lips a few times; chaste, barely there kisses. “Just me and you, nothing about that could be bad.”

 

He took Cas’ hand and led him over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge of it and pulling his boyfriend down beside him. “Look, I think this would work out better for us both if we just treated it like any other hangout. We can throw on some sweats or something and just watch tv. You can let me hold you and if it leads to something more well okay but if we fall asleep, that’s cool too.”

 

Castiel smiled, nodding his head, “That sounds good too.  I’m going to change,” Castiel said and stood but stopped in mid step, “You looked absolutely gorgeous in your tux by the way, kinda sad that part is over already,” Castiel said biting his lip.

 

“I could say the same, Sweetheart...you look fucking amazing. Thought I was gonna lose it right there and attack you in front of your dad,” Dean chuckled. “Maybe I’ll save up a little and buy one, to wear just for you sometimes. Special occasions and stuff.”

 

Castiel grinned wide and leaned down to attack Dean’s lips both of them laughing at his glasses nearly toppling off his face, “You’re amazing,” he whispered and kissed him one more time before going into the bathroom where he had h is bag stashed away already.  He wanted to be quick but he also needed to wash certain areas of his body.  Dean said they could snuggle if they didn’t want to go through with this but God Castiel wanted to.  He’d been dreaming about it for weeks now.  Inside his bag he found one of Dean’s shirts he had stolen a bit ago.  It was huge and went down to his mid thigh.  Pulling it on over his briefs he finally left the bathroom.

 

Dean had his bottoms on when he heard the bathroom door open, but he couldn’t find his favorite shirt and Cas knew him well enough to know to pack it.

 

“Hey Cas you seen my-” Dean’s tongue started to feel heavy and big in his mouth as his eyes scraped over Cas’ bare legs and the familiar Zepplin logo scrawled across his chest. “Fuuhhh-”

 

The little hamster wheel in his brain was spinning but he was pretty sure the furball itself was dead as a fucking doornail. Dean lost all ability to make words at the sight of Castiel’s perfect body wrapped up in his favorite shirt, no sign of anything underneath it…

 

Castiel swallowed hard at the sight of Dean’s bare chest, his fingers eager to touch as he slowly closed the distance between them, “Seen your what?” he asked, finally within reach.  He’d touched Dean before but never like this.  His palms slid up Dean’s bunched up stomach, gliding right over his nipples to wrap around his neck.

 

“Huh?” Dean asked, not even a little clued into anything other than the feel of Cas’ hands on his  chest. When there was contact with Dean’s nipples, he moaned and his legs went a little shaky. “Fuck, sweetheart...I-I can’t think like this.”

 

Castiel laughed softly and gently pushed at Dean’s chest until his boyfriend stumbled down onto the bed.  Swallowing down his nerves he crawled onto Dean’s lap, straddling his legs, “Is this okay Dean?” he asked pressing their chests together and brushing his lips along Dean’s stubbly jaw.

 

Not trusting his shaky voice, Dean nodded. Cas’ soft kisses leading a trail down to his neck that made it nearly impossible not to buck his hips. It felt amazing, the soft presses and the playful nips at his skin there. It was overwhelming even as light and timid as it was.

 

“CAhhh-s,” he moaned, his voice quivering as he expected. “That f-feels amazing, sweetheart.”

 

It took him a few beats to realize that Cas was the only one touching, kissing and that was just unfair. Finally he forced his mind back on track and gripped his boyfriend’s hips. His body fit perfectly right where he was but Dean knew, somehow, if he just moved him a little..

 

Castiel gasped when Dean’s hands drew him closer, the obvious bulge in his pants rubbing up against Castiel perfectly, “Dean,” He groaned, hesitantly rolling his hips.  Both of them moaned and he had to stop himself from continuing.  He wanted more than just rutting, he wanted all of his boyfriend.

 

“Before it goes further and we add one more cliche to this,” Castiel grinned, his hands cupping Dean’s face, “I love you Dean.”

 

Dean felt his whole body freeze, he knew what he felt in his heart but he’d never imagined hearing those words out of Cas, out of his Cas...It took longer than he’d like to admit to get his brain back on track but once he did, Dean pushed everything he had into a shared kiss. “I love you too, Ang-Sweetheart. I love you so much.”

 

Castiel mewled in the back of his throat as they kissed.  The thoughts of _just_ snuggling the farthest thing from his mind.  He started to roll his hips slowly, the press of Dean against him short circuiting his brain.  They’d done things before so the pleasure he felt with Dean wasn’t new but there was something else adding to it and craved for more.  Not caring about the gel in Dean’s hair anymore his fingers dove in, gently pulling at it.

 

His body reacted naturally, no particular thought or skill used. Dean’s hands that were settled on Cas’ hips, slowly eased their way down, tugging at the shirt till it came loose beneath him and Dean groaned when he actually found fitted boxer briefs underneath. Normally he’d hesitate there, let them rub against one another until they were both covered in jizz. This was different though, neither he or Cas was ready for it to end there and from all of his research said it might take a bit to get everything...um opened up.

 

“Do-do you want t-to, or do you um, do you want me to uh…” Again he had that strange feeling of his tongue swelling up in his mouth leaving him unable to speak.

 

Castiel blushed, his forehead pushing into Dean’s as he took a calming breath, “I want to,” he whispered, “Especially if it's supposed to feel even better than this,” he said rolling his hips again and shuddering.  “T-There’s um, lube under the pillow,” he stammered.

 

“Okay, sweetheart...just promise me you’ll tell me if it feels weird, or like I’m doing something wrong. This is kinda new territory for me,” Dean answered, reaching up behind himself to grab the lube. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

Castiel swallowed hard and nodded, moving to lay on the bed next to Dean, “You won’t Dean, I trust you,” he said pushing down his underwear to throw onto the floor.  His heart ratcheted up when the click of the bottle seemed to echo in the room and he pulled Dean down to him, kissing him eagerly.

 

Dean waited until he thought Cas was sufficiently distracted before squeezing the gel onto his fingers, he rubbed it between them so it wasn’t as cold before gently teasing at the clenching rim. He had barely pushed the tip of his finger in when Castiel clenched around it forcing his eyes shut to keep himself from losing it right then.

 

When he opened his eyes again two of his fingers were moving in and out of Cas’ hole and panic rose up in his chest quickly. “Shit, shit are you okay?”

 

Castiel’s eyes had rolled up in his head so it took a moment to even register Dean’s question.  His boyfriend had been so patient, working him open so slowly.  The stretch of his two fingers felt amazing and he nodded eagerly, “Yes, yes Dean.  Of course, ungh,” he gasped, biting down hard on his bottom lip, “Try another Dean, I’m ready.”

 

It took him too long to realize some of those moments were stolen from him. When he noticed Cas’ skin was damp with sweat and his whole face was drawn tight in ecstasy, it was a pretty clear picture. Sure, it probably made things a little easier considering he had no idea what the hell he was doing but Dean still felt that something precious was taken from him.

 

“O-okay, just don’t let me hurt you,” he said, slowly working the tip of his third finger in against the other two. Cas was so hot and tight around them that it took nearly everything inside him not to spill right then. “Fuck sweetheart, you feel so good...Can’t wait to be inside you.”

 

The room began to fade in and out, grey cement walls flashing into view around him. ‘No..no no no, don’t take this from me,” Dean whimpered, forcing himself back into the dr-his moment with Cas.

 

He needed it, and he wasn’t going to give it up easily.

 

“You’re so fucking perfect, Cas. Never gonna forget this...never.”

 

Castiel whined under him, “I’m ready Dean, please I’m ready,” he begged.  The faraway look in Dean’s eyes scaring him deep into his bones.  He wanted to give this to Dean before he woke up.  

 

“Make love to me Dean, now.”

 

The forcefulness of the words spurred him into action, Dean quickly wiggled out of his pants and realized he didn’t have a condom. What happened to the ones John gave him? Were they in the car? Trying not to panic, Dean let out a sound he’d never made before, “Cas...condom?”

 

“Cas?”

 

There were another few flashes of grey pushing through his mind. He was doing everything he could to block it all out, for it to just be him and Cas. Both pictures, the grey and the warm beige of the hotel room began to flicker in and out. There was a split second of a tight grip squeezing around him. But in a blink it was gone and he was laying on his back, Cas pulled in close against his chest, their bodies both damp with sweat.

 

“Cas I-” Dean felt himself whine. He’d missed it all, he’d never felt so empty in his life. Carved out like a pumpkin on Halloween. “I’m so sorry...I-I love you so much, you should know that...even if I ca-can’t, even if I never told you, never showed you how much you meant to me. Please, just...I’ll see you soon.”

 

Castiel leaned up on his elbow, eyes fill with tears as he leaned in to kiss Dean’s lips softly, “It’s time to wake up Dean.  I’m so sorry you can’t stay here but you have to go now,” he whispered as a tear fell down his cheek, “I love you so much too,” he said giving Dean a smile.  


Dean would have gladly never woke up if it meant he could have stayed in that moment forever. Even with the pieces missing it was still the best chance at happiness he’d ever truly had.

 

Unfortunately, reality came knocking and tore away what was left of his heart.

 

“Dean!  Dean wake up!” Sam shouted shaking his brother.  He’d been trying to wake him up for over twenty minutes now.  The small whimpers of Castiel’s name broke his damn heart, nearly as much as the damn sleeping pill boxes he found on the floor.  He shouldn’t have left him alone!

 

“C’mon Dean please just wake up!”

 

There was a darkness behind his eyes, something he hadn’t seen or felt in a long time itching under his skin.

 

He was just about to sink into it when something broke through; Sam’s voice, barely a whisper in his ear. Guilt flooded through him. He knew it was wrong, to hang it up after all the shit they’d been through, but he couldn’t do it anymore. Without Cas, there wasn’t anything to believe in, no hope left inside him.

 

“S-sorry, Sammy. Juss can’t anymore. No Casss, no Mommm, no hope.”

 

“No, Dean wake up dammit,” Sam said and slapped his brother across the face until hazed over green eyes looked at him, “Do you really think Castiel would want this?  Do you?  Because the guy I knew wouldn’t want you to kill yourself like this!  And neither would mom.  It can’t end like this Dean,” Sam begged, yanking his brother up until he was in a sitting position.  His chest felt so damn heavy.  He didn’t know what to say or to even do to begin helping his brother through this.

 

Part of him knew the Sammy whispers were right; Cas wouldn’t like what he was doin’, mom either for that matter, but they weren’t there anymore. The only person he was failing now, was Sam and there was nothing new about that. He’d failed his little brother so many times he’d lost count.

 

Though this would the first time he’d ever made the decision to do it…

 

The black started to fade and Dean felt like he was choking, a heavy weight on his chest and stomach. Something bright flashed in his eye, and with it came a pounding in his head that hurt worse than being demon slammed into a fucking cement wall.

 

He came to gasping and choking, not nearly enough air leaving his lungs to pull any more back in. When he finally got his eyes to settle, he realized the heavy fucking weight on his chest was Sam.

 

“G’off,” he said, his hand pushing at his moose of a brother on top of him.

 

“Oh thank God,” Sam groaned, his chest heaving with every deep breath he pulled in, “I’m gonna get you some water and then I’m gonna beat the shit out of you,” Sam grumbled getting up to his feet.

 

Dean sucked in as much air as he could get, though it still wasn’t easy. His lungs felt like they were full of sand, set ablaze in the fucking desert. Every inch of him hurt, inside and out he noticed when he moved his hand up to reach for the trash can, feeling like he was gonna somehow wretch and make his throat feel even worse.

 

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. He just sat there, gripping the sides of it like it was a life preserver.

 

Sam came back, rushing to his brother’s side, “Hey you need me to take you to the bathroom?” he asked, wincing as Dean tried to push him away, “Here drink this, c’mon,” he said handing him the water glass.  Dean took a few drinks as Sam stood up, grabbing out his phone to call Jody.

 

“Hey kiddo, how’s your brother doin’?” Jody asked, putting the phone between her ear and shoulder.

 

“Jody, I need help.  I came home and Dean was on the floor, sleeping pill boxes were everywhere along with a bottle of Jack,” He said ignoring the heated glare he was now getting from Dean.

 

It took all her strength to ease herself down onto the ledge of her desk before her legs fell out from under her. Swallowing she tried to pull herself back together, she couldn’t lose another one. Granted, Dean wasn’t literally hers but it sure didn’t stop her from feeling he was. “I-I thought you said he was getting better?”

 

“I thought so too.  Guess he’s been playin me.  Convinced me to go on this last case on my own.  I got a really bad feeling and came home early, glad I did,” he sighed.

 

“I’ll pack up and head your way, be there with dinner. Call me if anything changes...and I know you don’t wanna hear it, Sam. But maybe you should consider taking him to a hospital,” Jody said, knowing that what they did made it difficult to get regular medical checkups but the thought of losing him was just not sitting well with her.

 

“If he changes I will,” he said softly, telling her to be careful and hung up.  He crouched down by Dean and made him look up, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” he asked.

 

Dean shook his head, his mouth still burning. That was the last place he wanted to go. Hell, if they took a look at his insides they might just lock him up. He sipped at the water and gave Sam a look that said, _‘see, I’m fine.’_

 

“Okay Dean, c’mon, Jody’ll be here soon,” he said straightening up and holding out his hand.

* * *

 

 

It was hours before Sam would even consider letting him go back to sleep. His alcohol and pills were confiscated like he was some kinda toddler, but Dean guessed he could understand that. He’d have done the same if it were him...though it still felt wrong.

 

How was he supposed to get back there?

 

What if he just couldn’t sleep deeply enough to see Cas again?

 

What would he do then?

 

Once he was allowed, Dean closed his eyes and prayed for Cas, and for sleep, but more than that he just wanted, no he needed Castiel.

 

The water felt good around his ankles, just a little bite of chill to it. The sun was out keeping the rest of him warm enough, as he looked out over the horizon. It was quiet, too quiet and the familiar scene tugged in his chest.

 

It was where he’d first met Cas in his dreams all those years ago. They’d barely known one another then, the angel still had that stick shoved pretty far up his ass back then. Cas was still _something_ but it was so...indefinable. Back then, Dean had no idea what it was that he was feeling and it took him entirely too long to figure it out. Then, once he did, he dug a hole so deep inside himself that he’d felt it in his toes and buried all of it, every feeling he had concerning cas, and kept piling onto it whenever the rubble began to avalanche.

 

“Hello Dean,” Castiel called out from behind him.  Dean’s head jerked in his direction and Castiel smiled, walking along the dock to sit beside Dean.  His shoes and socks already in his hands from walking along the shore.  It had felt like he’d been there, waiting for Dean for days now.

 

“Hey…” he said, feeling more than a little surprised. Mumbling to himself, he said. “Wow, guess I was able to do it.”

 

“Oh sorry, here I’ll scoot over. Have a seat, man.” Dean gestured to the empty space beside him.

 

The next thing Dean saw was his feet, which was weird...because in all their time together, he can’t ever remember seeing the guy’s feet so close up before. Throughout the dreams he’d caught glimpses of some version of Cas he’d never seen before but not this close up, not in so much detail...it felt incredibly _real_.

 

“Thank you Dean,” Castiel said and sank down onto the dock next to Dean, their arms touching as he let his feet dip into the water, “I almost forgot how beautiful it was here,” he said with a deep sigh.  He glanced over at Dean and smiled, the corner of his lips lifting.

 

“I’m so sorry you’re hurting Dean,” he whispered.

 

Dean wanted to deny it, wanted to tell him he was fine...but the harsh truth flooded out of his mouth instead. “Yeah, well you’re gone, Cas and there’s nothing left for me out there. So, sorry doesn’t really help with that.”

 

“I know. I didn’t want to leave you Dean,” Castiel said reaching over and taking Dean’s hand in his, “I’ve made so many mistakes.”

 

Castiel squeezed his grip when Dean tried to interrupt, the hurt evident in the human’s eyes, “I’m referring to the times I went behind your back and schemed with anyone willing to work with me.  I will _never_ regret pulling you out of hell or choosing you over them _every_ time...or for falling in love with you.”

 

“Oh, I get it. This is just another one of my little dream journeys,” Dean said, his voice breaking. “I can’t take this anymore, Cas. I can tell myself you love me every night, tell myself you’d want me, but it doesn’t make it true.”

 

Swallowing, Dean shook his head, his raw voice still heavy with emotion. “I’ve spent a lot of years lying to myself and I made my peace with that but this? Not with this, I can’t lie to myself about this anymore.”

 

“It hurts too much.”

 

“Dean, I know you won’t believe me but this isn’t some...dream journey,” Castiel said, turning to face Dean better, “I’ve woken up somewhere and have been trying to get out.  This is the only time I’ve been able to escape.  I’m really here Dean,” he said softly placing his hand right over Dean’s heart.

 

“No you’re not. Ca-Cas, _my Cas_ , he doesn’t do this. He doesn’t take his shoes off and sit so close that our legs touch,” he ground out, the poison of how many times he’d told the angel he was too close making him feel faint. “He doesn’t make love confessions or look at me like that.”

 

“No offense here, but you’re not real and if you’re gonna keep this up I might just lose what little mind I have left.”

 

Castiel smiled sadly though he was grateful that Dean didn’t let go of his hand, “Like I said, you wouldn’t believe me.  Dean, I’ve been in every dream you’ve had lately.  I was the one who had to wake you up before you truly lost yourself...especially last time,” he said with a heavy breath.  That one had scared him.  Usually the dreams didn’t last that long but from the moment Dean had entered the dream world, Castiel had known something was off.  

 

“I’m trying to get back to you Dean and I’ll fight tooth and nail until I can.  Then I can personally tell you that I love you and look at you this way,” he said.  

 

‘I burned your body, Cas.. there’s no comin’ back from that…” Dean argued, the emotion welling up inside him so overpowering that he could barely breathe.

 

Shaking his head he fought it off, fought off the panic and the tears. Instead, cracking a wide grin.“Oh, come on...I feel guilty enough I don’t need some subconscious version of you making me feel worse. No more sleeping, pills okay? I get enough of that from Sam and myself on the outside. I’d think you could give it a rest while I’m asleep at least. Not even the good kinda sleep where I know it could last-,” Dean realized what he was saying and shut his mouth quickly.

 

Castiel swallowed hard and looked down, “I’m not tryin to make you feel guilty Dean.  It’s the opposite.  I will find my way back home, back to you.  One way or another I will.  But you have to stop hurting yourself, please don’t do that again,” he begged, moving his hand up from Dean’s chest to his cheek, pulling until their foreheads touched.  

 

He felt his face change, resembling the way he had looked when he was Dean’s husband, “I can’t lose you.”

 

Next was while they were in purgatory, his fingers delving deep into Dean’s hair to keep him there, “I need you.”

 

He felt himself shift again, his body much smaller and he heard Dean’s shuddered gasp, “I love you Dean,” he whispered and finally shifted back to himself now, closing the small space between them to brush their lips together.

 

Dean’s hands flew up to the back of Cas’ head pulling him tighter against him until he had the right angle to really pour himself into the kiss. It was somehow the same as all the others and still different. As if there was an added layer of truth to it all.

 

Cas wasn’t gone.

 

Cas was coming back to him…

 

Dean Winchester found his hope again, his something to believe in.  

* * *

 

 

Scrubbing the towel through his hair, Dean hummed to himself. There was a tune on one of the old records in the bunker called _Help Me Angel_ , it was dated but still pretty damn catchy. He tossed his towel in the washer on his way to the kitchen, robe tucked tightly around him. When he got there, he smiled at Sam who looked up from his half burnt toast and laptop.

 

‘You fill up on that junk or do you want some real breakfast?” Dean asked, already pulling out ingredients. Jody deserved a hearty welcome and he hadn’t really been in the shape to do it the night before but he felt better. So, he figured he’d give it a whirl.

 

Sam stared up at his brother with huge eyes.  Dean looked...better.  Rested and hell, _alive_.  Sam wasn’t sure what to say, afraid it could send his brother spiraling again but he had to ask, “Dean, you uh, you feelin alright?”  

 

“Yeah, Sammy… sorry about the uh, y’know, But I’m good now, really good. So..bacon and eggs? _Maybe some pancakes too._ ”  The last bit, was mostly to himself but once he gave into the hunger his appetite came back with a vengeance.

 

“Sure, yeah.  That sounds great,” Sam laughed, his head shaking a bit in disbelief.  He was scared to believe his brother was completely, one hundred percent better but he would take what he could get for right now.  At the smell of real food cooking his toast tasted stale and gross in his mouth.  He threw it away and started cleaning up the kitchen a bit.

 

Jody blinked a few times when she saw Dean up on his feet, half dancing around the bunker’s kitchen. She eyed Sam with a surprised face and he just shrugged at her, wearing his hopeful smile.

 

_Alrighty then._

 

“Okay, so you seem to be doin’ better, kiddo...but you’re not gettin’ rid of me that easy,” Jody said with a grin, moving in to wrap her arms around Dean’s waist and give him a hug from the back.

 

“Gave us quite a scare yesterday,” she whispered against his ear, before patting his back and stepping away.

 

“Yeah, I‘m sorry about that, _really_ , but things are better now.”

 

“How?  I’m sorry, I don’t want to put a damper on whatever it was that made this happen but seriously, what changed?” Sam asked more than just a little thrilled that Jody was here now to back him up.  He was ecstatic that his brother was back to his goofy self but the worry on Jody’s face justified his darker thoughts.

 

Dean hesitated, not really knowing if he should tell them what happened or not. He could already see Sam’s face falling in disappointment and Jody’s _mom_ look that made him feel like a kid again. He didn’t want to see that, not from either of them but he was tired of the lies.

 

“Look, I know it’s gonna sound y’know,” he said, circling his finger up next to his head. “But uh, Cas came to me in a dream last night and he told me he’d be back. That he wasn’t actually dead, just kinda...trapped where he was. Said he’d be topside as soon as he figured out his escape plan.”

 

Sam stared at him for a second and a bubble of laughter spilled out of him.  Jody slapped the back of his head but he ignored her, “Dean...Castiel is dead.  I’m sorry, I know you don’t like hearing that but he’s gone.  We both saw that angel blade go right through him.  We burned his body.”

 

“Okay, so I’m nuts...either way I feel better so drop it, Sam.” Dean said, feeling some of his excitement dwindle. It would have been nice to have his brother’s support but he didn’t need it. All he needed was for Cas to make his way out of wherever the hell he was.

 

Maybe if he asked real nicely, Chuck would let him go wherever it was so he could help him find a way out...nah Cas was a fighter, he didn’t need Dean’s help.

 

“Castiel came to you...in a dream? Has he done this before?” Jody asked, some of the pretty jagged puzzle pieces falling into place.

 

Though she hadn’t known the guy-angel, whatever, all that well. Jody knew what being around him did to Dean and what being without him did too. And the picture started to get clear, really quickly.

 

“Yeah, for years. Well, not all the time obviously. But he was there when he needed to be.”

 

“Dean, c’mon man.  I’m not trying to make you feel bad again I swear it.  I just...I don’t want you to have false hope.  You want Castiel back and I get that but this isn’t healthy,” Sam said with a heavy sigh.

 

“Sam, I get it...okay? I didn’t believe it at first either. I know it’s wishful thinkin’ or whatever, but I _know_ Cas and the guy I talked to last night, that was _Cas_ .” Dean turned his back to Sam, refocusing himself on the breakfast before the sausage started to burn. Nothin’ not even his own brother was going to convince him that _Cas_ was gone.

 

“Sam, Dean says it’s happened before…maybe it really was him. I mean he wouldn’t be the first one of your little group to dig themselves out of the grave, right?” she said, though she didn’t give him time to answer before she spoke again. “And with him being an Angel or whatever, who knows what they’re capable of doing when it comes to body restoration…”

 

Sam’s mouth opened to argue some more but Jody leveled him with a glare.  His hands went up in surrender and sank back in his chair.  He’d let Dean have this as long as it didn’t get worse.  He had a bad feeling about all this though.

* * *

 

 

Sam spied on his brother humming to himself as he walked through the bunker. It’d been a few days since Dean had dropped the whole Castiel in his dreams bomb on them.  Jody promised to stick close for a little bit but she didn’t seem as worried as Sam thought she should be.  He still wasn’t convinced the angel was somehow still alive.  The hope and life he saw in Dean’s eyes kept him from commenting any further.  He didn’t want his brother to spiral back to being half dead passed out on the floor.

 

It was inevitable though.  Everyday that passed and no return of Castiel in living world nor the dream world, Sam could see the doubt starting to creep it's way back into Dean’s eyes.  Jody had bravely asked if Castiel had visited him again and was met with a grunt and a shrug of shoulders.  

 

Days added up and far too soon it was nearing two weeks later when Sam began to notice Dean retreating more and more into his room.  Any chance Sam got he raced into his brother’s room in search of any kind of sleep enhancers.  The booze had been moved out of the bunker completely by Jody and Dean wasn’t allowed to go to the store by himself anymore.  They needed help but Sam was out of ideas.  Locking Dean up in a hospital was out of the question and so was dragging him to a therapist.  The door to Dean’s room clicked shut and Sam rubbed at his face.  He couldn’t stand guard anymore, he needed rest and hopefully Dean would just stay put this time.  With one final glance at his door Sam retreated towards his own room.

 

Dean almost called him out on it, the hovering...but he understood. Sam was worried, he’d probably be worried too if the guy woke up after half killing himself talking about Jess or Eileen coming back from the dead.

 

But as hard as it was to hang on sometimes, Dean wasn’t giving up.

 

His dreams had been _Cas-less_ over the last couple weeks and he wasn’t sure if it was because he wasn’t high as a kite and passed out, or if Cas was just really busy trying to get out of...wherever. Dean didn’t need a shrink to tell him that it was probably not a good sign when he had a _friend_ show up in dreams that he had while doped up on liquor and sedatives, but not when he slept without them.

 

 _No,_ Dean shook his head. He knew the difference between his own imagination and the real Cas. And he knew _that_ guy, the nerdy little dude with wings, was fighting his little angelic ass off to get back to him.

 

He took a pencil and gently drew another line on the post-it on the night stand. He’d positioned it so that it was the first thing he saw when he woke up and the last thing before he went to sleep.

 

Dean needed that, needed the visual reminder every day. He wouldn’t let himself lose the hope he’d finally gotten back.

 

Three weeks later, he ran out of room on the post it.

 

He wadded it up and felt something inside him break a little.

 

He buried his face in his hands and took a long, deep breath.

 

Then he stuck another post-it in its place.

* * *

 

 

_Castiel grunted as he was kicked again, straight in his stomach.  The darker version of himself was so angry Castiel could feel it vibrating along his skin but he wouldn’t give in.  Even if the temptation to fall back asleep was powerful.  It was how he was able to connect with Dean.  The last one had been what woke him up to find himself lying in complete darkness and having a conversation with...well...a version of himself?_

 

_It wanted him to go back to sleep, to forget everything he loved...everyone.  Castiel couldn’t do that.  He wanted to go home and he wasn’t going to give up._

 

_“I’ll fight you...I’ll fight you for-forever.  For eternity,” Castiel groaned slowly getting back up to his feet.  The Empty shook his head and a growl escaped between his lips._

 

_“No...No…”_

 

_“Release me,” Castiel demanded, his anger rising as The Empty continued to shake his head._

 

_“Release me!”_

 

Dean was sitting up before he was even fully awake, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. Sweat dripped down his forehead and his shirt clung to him. He was disoriented for a minute but then there was a familiar tugging in his middle and Dean just knew, he knew something was going on with Cas.

 

Was he back? Was he okay?

 

Dean swallowed hard, trying to calm his racing heart but when he heard his phone vibrate across the nightstand he couldn’t move quickly enough to get it.  “Cas?”

 

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief.  His mind had been whirlwind the moment he woke up in that field and he’d been afraid he’d forgotten Dean’s number after the third attempt.  His fingers gripped tightly around the phone and just listened to Dean’s breathing that was quickly accelerating.  When he heard his name again and held his breath, “Hello Dean…”

 

“Cas!” Dean had never felt more relieved in his life. His mouth breaking into a wide grin as he grabbed the first pair of jeans he could find and started tugging them on.

 

“Tell me where you’re at and I’ll come pick you up as quick as my baby can get me there.”

 

Castiel looked around and sighed heavily, “I’m not exactly sure where I am,” he laughed, “But there are several vehicles with Missouri license plates...and now I see a sign that says The Mark Twain National Forest.”

 

“It’s so good to hear your voice, Dean.”

 

“Backatchya, man...Sammy thought I was goin’ nuts with the dream thing,” Dean answered. Before he even realized he’d said it, the confession came out. His heart dropped, what if Cas didn’t know what he meant, what if it really had all been in his head.

 

Castiel laughed a little, “I wish I could have visited again, to let you know that I was still trying to get out.  But every time I would go back to sleep…” Castiel swallowed hard and rubbed at his face, “We’ll talk about it when you get here,” he said just above a whisper.

 

“Yeah, man. Sure thing..I think that’s about eight hours but I’ll be there in six if I can. Are you safe? I mean you got somewhere to hang out until I can get there?” Dean asked, already tossing some clothes into a bag.

 

“I can get somewhere.  I’m sure there’s a hotel around here and I’ll try to procure a phone as well,” Castiel said looking around.  It was a small area but it was crawling with tourists, “Dean, be careful.  Get here in one piece,” Castiel said, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth when he tried to say more.  Those things would be better left said out loud and not over the phone anyway.

 

“No problem, sweetheart. I’m headed out now...be there asap.” Dean couldn’t contain the sheer excitement inside him just from Cas’ voice. A sound he was terrified he’d never hear again.

 

They’d already hung up when Dean realized he’d called Cas, sweetheart. It had became a habit in the dreams and while there was still a little string of fear zipping through him, Dean didn’t give a flying fuck. He wasn’t going to let _anything_ come between him and Cas, not ever again. Chuck, Amara, Death whatever Baddy was next on their list could kiss his pasty, white ass.

 

As the mile markers sped by, Dean’s mind occupied itself with the memories of his dreams...the fact that Cas had all but confirmed he experienced the same thing.

 

It was a little scary, but yet somehow, it was also the most comforting thing he’d ever heard.

 

Kansas City, Kansas turned into Kansas City, Missouri and the nervous flutters in his stomach amped up all over again. He was over halfway there and every mile felt like a shot of espresso for his insides. Before he knew it the six hours passed by pretty quickly and he was nearly there.

 

Dean’s phone vibrated on the seat beside him and he grinned. “Hello.”

 

“Dean,” Castiel let out a relieved breath.  Hearing Dean’s voice while both of them were awake... _alive_ was helping ease his immense anxiety at the moment.  The fear of waking up back in that big black hole was still there and he needed some kind of tether.

 

“I got a phone, obviously,” Castiel huffed out a laugh, “There is a hotel about eighteen minutes north of where I first called you, Viburnum Inn.  I have a room, it’s near the back, number 305,” he said glancing out the window.  He could stare out the glass all he wanted, he knew he would hear Baby’s engine before he could lay eyes on her.

 

‘That’s awesome, Cas. Should be there in just a few minutes, maybe... half an hour tops. Already passed the Mark Twain sign,” Dean said, feeling his skin prickle in anticipation. Cas was there, just waiting for him, he just needed to hold on a little longer.

 

“Do you need me to stop and get anything? Food? Um.. _anything_?” Dean said, only realizing how awkward he was after he’d finished.

 

“I mean like...a toothbrush or something,” he continued, making it much, _much_ worse. He hit his head against the back of his seat and shook it in disbelief at himself. At least Cas was probably the last person in the world that would judge him for being awkward.

 

Castiel chuckled, his own cheeks growing warm as he glanced over at the bag he’d acquired at the gas state across the street.  He hadn’t thought about food or even a change of clothing, “We can always get that later, what I need is to see you Dean,” he said softly.

 

“So...where’d you uh, _procure_ the phone?” Dean asked, curious and also not wanting to let the moment end. It was just a few miles to go and he could use speakerphone if he needed to. Mostly, he just wasn’t ready to let go of Cas’ voice.

 

Castiel pulled the curtains open so he could keep an eye out on the road and sat down on the bed, “As you know I have no money, I may have used my powers for very selfish reasons,” Castiel laughed shaking his head, “And yet I don’t feel bad about it at all.”

 

Dean laughed, pretending to be overly sentimental he said, “They grow up so fast.”

 

“Nah, seriously man..I think humanity owes you that one… the room too.”  

 

“I thought so too,” Castiel sighed.  There was a roar in the distance and his entire body lit up, his mouth dropping in sharp gasp, “You’re here.”

 

Dean circled around the small motel, looking for the right number., “You said 305, right? -Oh, nevermind. I found it,” Dean said, the anticipation racketing up so loud he could barely hear Cas’ response.

 

“I-I’m hanging up now,” Castiel said and didn’t wait to hear Dean’s response before dropping the phone and hurrying over to the door to wrench it open.  Thankfully he was on the ground floor so he got to see the full effect of Dean climbing out of the beast that was the Impala.  His mouth went dry as Dean hurried down the sidewalk towards him, Castiel’s arms rising up just in time for their bodies to collide, “Dean,” he sighed, hugging him tight.

 

“Hey, Cas...it’s really good to have you back, man. I missed you,” he said, squeezing tighter around his best friend.

 

Dean held on until it would have been awkward, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t want to let go, couldn’t make himself. Cas was real, he was there...solid in his arms.

 

“I missed you too,” he said reluctantly letting go just enough to pull Dean into the room.  He got the door and curtains closed again before he hugged Dean again, “The dreams weren’t enough,” he whispered, turning his head a bit so his face was pressed against Dean’s neck.

 

“No, they really weren’t…” Dean said, pulling away. He tugged at Cas’ chin til he was staring into those blue eyes. “Can I,” he swallowed, remembering how nervous he’d been the first time he tried this and it was only a dream. Now, this was real and somehow the nauseous feeling that came with the nerves wasn’t there only the hope remained.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

“Wait,” Castiel said, a huge smile over taking his lips even though Dean looked a little hurt, “There was something I promised to do when I saw you,” he said reaching up to cup Dean’s face as his own softened to resemble the same look Dean had teased him for in the dream.  There was a hitch in Dean’s breathing and Castiel brought their foreheads together, “I love you Dean.  Have for a very long time,” he said.

 

Swallowing hard, Dean nodded like he was agreeing. “I don’t know when or how it happened, honestly. But it was like I couldn’t even stand to breathe without you. You’ve pulled my ass out of the fire so many times I can’t even count, you’re my best friend, and...I love you too. I love you so friggin’ much, Cas.”

 

He didn’t ask again, just pushed his lips against Cas’ and let the electric waves of desire buck around inside him. The dream kisses had felt real, felt eternal but it was somehow even _more_ now that they were standing face to face. He felt the soft, chapped skin of Castiel’s lips on his own and Dean melted into him, draining himself of anything that was left.

 

Castiel held on tightly, his fingers delving into Dean’s hair as the man ravaged his mouth.  There was a high keening noise that took him far too long to realize that it was coming out of his own mouth.  He thought after a minute or two, the kiss would turn softer but if anything, it got needier.  More desperate.  A flash from one of the dreams pressed into his mind and he spun them around, shoving Dean onto the bed.

 

“We’re wearing too many layers,” Castiel groaned trying to pull of his trench coat but getting frustrated in the process.  Dean laughed a little and Castiel playfully glared at him before snapping his fingers, ridding them both of their top layers.

 

Dean blinked a few times before turning to Cas with a smug smirk, “Hmm, I have a power kink, who knew?”

 

“Don’t get me wrong here, I am lovin’ where this is goin’ but I’d kick myself if I didn’t say it,” Dean started, giving Cas a thoughtful look.

 

“This, _whatever it is_ , it doesn’t have to happen tonight. We don’t have to be rushed, don’t have to be slow and sweet either...I just, I need you to know the opportunity isn’t gonna vanish,” he said, though part of him wondered if _he_ was the one who was afraid it was going to disappear.

 

“I know that Dean,” he said, slowly moving to sit in Dean’s lap like he had during the prom dream.  He’d felt so cheated when certain parts of that particular dream had been skipped.  He understood why though.  If either of them had gotten to live that in that dream, neither of them would have chosen to wake up.

 

“I will admit that I am a little afraid that _this_ is my dream now and that I’ll wake up again in the empty, surrounded by complete darkness,” he said looking down at his hands resting on Dean’s chest.  It felt so real, Dean’s warmth, his smooth skin, the thudding of his heart.  But hadn’t felt real in that prom dream as well?

 

“Well I can’t promise it’s real but I’ve been driving my baby for hours and not once in that damn dream land did I manage to get behind the wheel,” Dean said, chuckling despite himself. He was scared, terrified even but it wouldn’t do either of them any good for him to run from it. “Look, regardless of real or fake, here or not here, I just want you to know that there’s no rush.”

 

Dean leaned in, kissing at Cas’ forehead. “Wherever, whenever we are I’m going to spend my time with you and that’s not up for debate with _anyone_. I’m pretty sure if Amara, if Chuck or God or whatever the hell he’s goin’ by these days, can’t stop me, nobody else will.”

 

Castiel smiled brightly as he pulled Dean into another crushing hug.  The feeling of their chests pressed together had him sighing and scooting as close as he could possibly get.  They stayed like that until Dean grunted in pain from his legs falling asleep and Castiel quickly moved, shifting around until they were laying on the bed with Castiel’s head pillowed on his chest.  Their pants and had followed the rest of their clothes before crawling under the blanket which was a lot softer than Castiel had thought it would be.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Castiel asked.

 

“Sure, anything.”

 

“Which one was your favorite?” he asked leaning up just enough to look up into Dean’s face.

 

Dean took a minute to think on it, there were a lot of good things about all of them. But honestly, as much as he’d love to wake up married to a human Cas and no need to worry about the rest of the world, it would never feel real. This felt..this felt like it could be real.

 

“Probably the first one, or maybe the last one. They felt more realistic. I don’t expect…” Dean paused, the words getting caught up in his throat. “Hell, I don’t even want the white picket fence, apple pie life anymore. I just want Sammy riding shotgun in the Impala and you by my side, day and night..no more flitting off to heaven every time an angel sniffs in your direction.”

 

The way his voice cracked, made him feel and sound incredibly vulnerable. That would have bothered him before but not anymore. Cas wasn’t just his best friend, or his family, he was his _everything._ “Just you and me, that’s all I need, Cas.”

 

Castiel moved so he was closer to Dean’s face and kissed him slowly, “That’s all I need as well Dean.  I no longer care about what’s going on up there.  As long as it’s not affecting us directly then it’s none of my business.  They’re not my family and haven’t been for a very long time.  I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure that out,” he said resting his ching on Dean’s shoulder to keep within reach to kiss Dean whenever he wanted.  It was freeing to be able to do that now, to kiss or touch whenever he felt the need to.  

 

“If I’m being honest, I liked the one where we were married.  Everyone was alive and everyone seemed happy,” Castiel said biting his lip.

 

“I get that, I can understand why that might seem better but Cas...life ain’t easy, sweetheart.” Dean kissed softly at his bitten lip. “Sure, some people got it better than others but nothin’ good in my life has _ever_ came easy.”

 

He thought on it for a minute, not wanting to rehash all the bad feelings, not yet at least. But he wanted, no he needed to explain to Cas what he meant. “One example being you… I mean _hell_ was not a fuckin’ picnic, but you saved my ass, you ripped me out of there and look at where we are now.”

 

Dean licked his lip, chewing at it nervously. “Nothin’ we’ve been through has been easy and when you...when you try to simplify it, or make it easy...what happens?”

 

Castiel swallowed hard but refused to shy away like he normally did.  This time he locked eyes with Dean and took in a deep breath, “I fuck things up worse,” he said quietly, his fingers now clinging to Dean.  

 

He smiled a soft smile and nodded, “Usually, yeah. But we got through it, _together_ and that wasn’t easy, but we’re better for it. I didn’t give up on you and I’ve fucked up a few times myself. But even though you’ve been through hell for me more than once, you never gave up and you always came back to me.”

 

Dean brushed his thumb over Cas’ cheek, catching a small tear. “That’s what this is for me. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not opposed to some kind of marital bliss one day, but you and me, bustin’ our asses and saving the world...that’s not a bad life.”

 

“No, it’s really not,” he said leaning in to kiss Dean again before setting his head back on Dean’s shoulder, his arm hugging around his waist tightly, “I love you Dean.”

 

“I love you too, Cas. We’ll get through this, _awkward_ phase and then it will be easier between us again. It just takes time and a little work. But I think we’re worth it.”

 

Dean held him tight even after his eyes grew heavy with sleep. “Not letting you go,” he murmured, just before drifting off.

* * *

 

 

They were going to hit the road again, once Dean got a couple cups of coffee in him. The biscuits and gravy weren’t bad either. He was a little sad that Cas couldn’t really experience it the same way but he’d gotten used to it. He reached into his wallet to grab money for a tip when his phone went off in his pocket.

 

“Shit--bet that’s Sammy,” Dean winced, realizing he hadn’t checked in with his brother in goin’ on twelve hours. After the way everything had gone down, his brother would be more than a little dramatic about it.

 

“I’m fine, Sam. Sorry, I meant to call. Just got a little,” Dean could feel his cheeks start to burn, “I got uh, sidetracked.”

 

“Dean!  Where the hell have you been?  You up and disappear without a word and won’t answer your phone!” Sam shouted into the phone as he paced the library.

 

Castiel smiled guiltily at how angry Sam sounded but if he was being honest he wasn’t that guilty about the whole thing.  He walked up behind Dean as they headed outside and wrapped his arms around his waist once they were stopped next to the Impala, letting his cheek rest on the back of Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Dammit, Sam...listen to me for a second. I’m fine, I got a call late last night and took off. I didn’t wanna wake you up. I didn’t answer my phone cause I passed out, no- I mean I just went to sleep, normal sleep,” Dean said, the embarrassment feeling much different the second time around.

 

“Just...Cas and I got to talkin’ and I fell asleep before I called. Total accident, man.”

 

“Dean…” Sam wiped a hand down his face, “What do you mean you _talked_ to Castiel?  Dean he’s dead...”

 

Castiel snorted, “Sorry Sam but I’m very much alive,” he said with a shake of his head.

 

“Whoa...wait, was that...was that really Cas?” Sam asked, sinking down in a chair before he fell on his ass.

 

“Yeah, it was. Not so looney toons now am I Sammy? I told you he was comin’ back.” Dean said, smiling as Cas slipped his long, slender fingers through his own.

 

“We’re gonna take a little trip, maybe go campin’ or somethin. I’ll be back sometime next week,” Dean said, feeling his face flush further. This time he planned to splurge, set them up somewhere a little classier than the nearest dive. He knew Cas didn’t need a penthouse suite or anything, but a soft bed, in a place where there weren’t strung out neighbors on each side, would probably be nice for both of them.

 

Sam huffed out a laugh and nodded, relief flooding through him for multiple reasons, “Alright...  just check in this time jerk and give Cas a hug for me will ya?”

 

“Sure thing, bitch…”

 

When he hung up the phone, Dean smirked. “Jody’s next. I better get it all worked out before we get on the road.”

 

He scrolled through the contacts and clicked on her number.

 

“Hey kiddo, everythin’ okay?” Jody asked, stirring the pot of soup she had on for the girls.

 

“Yeah, it’s good...real good actually. Just checkin’ in. I figured Sammy probably called you and had you both worked up but I’m fine,” he said with a grin, feeling the words were true for the first time in a long while.

 

“Okay, so what happened to ya? Abducted by aliens?” Jody said with a chuckle, though she did still feel a little worried.

 

“No, not this time,” Dean laughed, remembering the fairy bullshit. “Nah, Cas called last night and I didn’t wanna wake Sammy up,” he lied, he’d not even thought about his brother, once Cas’ voice came through the phone. Still, there were things he didn’t need to share just yet. “When I got here we got to talkin’ and I fell asleep.”

 

“I see,” she said, perching the phone on her shoulder before she continued. “Shawn and I used to do that. We’d just stay up for hours, talkin’.”

 

She swallowed, the memories like a dry scotch, comfort and pain swirling together. “I remember one night we got into this, stupid argument, I don’t even know what it was about. We weren’t actually fighting, it was just a debate. Anyway, next thing I know, the sun’s out and we’re both just smilin’ back at one another. One of the best nights of my life, I think.”

 

Dean felt that same strand of nervousness zipping through him. If he knew anything about Jody it was that her love wasn’t held to any conditions or regulations. She was gonna be there for him regardless and that was all he needed to know.

 

“Yeah, it was somethin’ like that. I just lost track of time. We’re uh, we’re gonna rent a cabin or buy a tent, I haven’t decided yet. But If I’ve got service I’ll call and check in, if not I’ll be back at the bunker one day next week.”

 

“Sounds good. Tell that Angel of yours it’s good to have him back, good to have _you_ back too. Be safe, Dean and let me know if you need anything.”

 

“Yes ma’am.” He said with a grin, knowing she was shaking her head at him on the other end.

 

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road, Angel.”

 

Dean pointed his baby toward the trees, which were unsurprisingly back toward Mark Twain National Forest. If they didn’t have a cabin for rent he’d just keep moving, he knew there’d be something between there and home.

 

“Do you know why this place is named Mark Twain National Forest?” Dean asked. Being able to teach Cas something about humans always stroked his ego. The guy could speak practically every language that ever existed, knew more than Dean could ever hope to achieve if he lived to be a hundred, but there were some pop culture nuances that always seemed to throw him and that’s where he got to feel like the knight in shining armor.

 

“Of course, it’s named after the great American author Mark Twain,” Castiel answered with a quirked brow.  Though he never really got to read the books himself, his head was filled with the man’s stories.  His favorite being “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”.  

 

Dean’s mouth dropped open until he remembered why Cas knew that.

 

_Metatron._

 

“I swear, worst thing that douchebag ever did was shove all that shit in your head.”

 

“Who? Oh, yeah.  I do feel cheated with some things.  But it is nice to be able to catch some of the references you throw out,” Castiel chuckled reaching over to take Dean’s hand in his.  He noticed a Walmart coming up and he squeezed Dean’s fingers, “Dean...I um, I’d like some new clothes if that was okay?” he asked pointing to the sign.

 

“Sure, this is a leisure trip, Cas. There’s no time crunch. If you wanna stop somewhere, you just say so.”

 

Though it still hurt to think about Charlie, Dean was grateful that she’d taught them some of her tricks, and how to stay undetected. He and Sam never went crazy or anything, but they’d slowly socked away enough not to have to worry about coordinating their fake names and fake credit cards anymore.

 

The tech age had really put them in a bind for a while, but then there was Charlie.

 

Dean’s heart clenched in his chest.

 

“I know just what you need, _montage_.” Dean grinned wide, knowing if his kid sister was watchin’ right now from wherever she was, she’d approve.

* * *

 

 

Castiel dragged his fingers over the soft denim now covering his legs.  He’d been so used to wearing the slacks and the suit jacket he felt almost naked without them.  They were tucked safely away in the trunk of the Impala with all their other bags.  Including Castiel’s entire new wardrobe.  Dean had offered to pay for it but Castiel no longer felt the same crisis of conscience he once did about using his grace to his advantage.  And if his father cared, he wasn’t doing a very good job of showing it.  

 

He did promise Dean that he would be more discreet in the future, not wanting to bring too much attention to themselves.  

 

The Impala bounced them around a bit as Dean drove slowly along the dirt path, the little cabin now visible through the thick grouping of trees.  It was beautiful and only got better when they got out of the car.  There was a rather large lake behind the cabin as well, a little fishing boat tied up at the dock close by.  He smiled, knowing that before they left either Dean or even both of them would be out on the water.

 

“This is beautiful,” Castiel said softly, not wanting to interrupt the silence too much with his voice.

 

“Yeah, it really is.” Though Dean wasn’t just looking out at the dock, but Cas who was standing in the middle of his eyeline. He grinned, fighting back the blush he felt creeping up his neck at his cheesiness. That kind of bullshit only happened in rom-coms and Dean needed to get a handle on himself.

 

“Make yourself useful and help me pack all this stuff in,” Dean teased, feeling a bit more natural. They carried in the groceries first, then their bags. Inside it was even better, the logs making up the interior structure hadn’t been covered with drywall or like most places he’d seen.

 

What was the point of having a log cabin if you plastered and painted all over it?

 

No, this was much better.

 

It wasn’t a huge place, just one bedroom, but it felt warm and homey. “I’ll put the groceries away and then get to work on the fireplace.”

 

“What can I do?” Castiel asked looking around the place.  It smelled a little musty but other than that it was perfect.  He walked to the windows, opening each one a slight to flush out the old air.   

 

“You can take our bags to the bedroom if you want,” Dean said, the heat moving up his neck before he could even attempt to push it back. “We don’t have to unpack, but it could make things easier while we’re here. It’s not like we’re on a case or something where we might have to make a quick escape...we could settle in here a bit.”

 

“Or you could just take a look around, up to you.”

 

Castiel nodded, grabbing up the bags to take to the room.  There was nothing fancy to it, a king size bed, dresser and a bathroom attached but the window..now that was breathtaking.  It was a huge bay window with a cushioned seat.  The view of the lake was gorgeous and Castiel couldn’t wait to wake up tomorrow to see the sunrise and be wrapped up with Dean.  The thought alone brought a smile to his lips as he began to unpack quickly.  Once he was done he went back into the main room only to stop in his tracks so he could watch as Dean crouched down to light up the logs in the fireplace.  It was entirely domestic, reminding him so much of his favorite dream.  

 

“I really like it here,” he said, grinning a bit when Dean jumped a little.

 

He was a little startled to hear Cas behind him. There was that constant ache, the fear that maybe it wasn’t real, that it would be taken away from him. But, the more time they spent together the further it faded into the background. ‘Me too, it would be nice to make the trip up here a couple times a year or something, just take a break when everything else starts to eat us alive…”

 

He stoked the fire a bit, made sure it was stable before easing himself back up on his feet.

 

There were a couple little cracks and Dean smiled. “That used to be a lot easier,” he chuckled, moving closer to Cas. He wrapped his arms around his angel and just breathed him in. “Should warm up in here soon.”

 

“Mmhmm, did you want to change into those sweats you got or just stay like this?” Castiel asked before pressing his face into Dean’s neck.  His fingers were a bit chilled and instead of letting them gradually warm up he grinned, pushing them up under Dean’s shirt.  The resulting yelp had him chuckling.  

 

“I’m good for now. Let’s just sit here for a while,” Dean said, pulling Cas down onto the couch beside him. There was a soft blanket folded over the back of it, and though it smelled a little like dust and stale air like the rest of the place, it was really warm after he tucked it around them.

 

The fire crackled and they sat there, mostly in silence but it wasn’t awkward or annoying.

 

When the heat filled the rest of the small cabin, he was finally convinced to move by the rumbling of his stomach. “I’m gonna change make some lunch, you want anything?

 

“No, well actually yes I do,” Castiel grinned, his cheeks going a little pink, “May I have a kiss?” he asked.

 

“You don’t have to ask, Cas. You can just go for it,” Dean said, chuckling quietly as he put his hand on the back of Cas’ neck and pulled him closer. Their mouths met this time and it was soft and sweet. Regardless of the intensity of it, the heat and passion was still present to the same degree and Dean became eager for more.

 

He forced himself to pull away and let out a shaky breath. “Yeah, we uh...we can do more of that whenever you want.”

 

Castiel was about two seconds from climbing into Dean’s lap and asking for more right then but Dean’s stomach growled loudly.  They shared a look that sent both of them into a laughter fit as they got up from the couch.  Even though Castiel wasn’t hungry he didn’t want to be away from Dean.  It was clingy behavior, something he’d never experienced before.  He just hoped that Dean wouldn’t mind how much Castiel _needed_ to touch him.  

 

“You should see the view in our room,” Castiel said moving to heave himself up on a counter that Dean wasn’t using.  It was the only way to let Dean cook without Castiel getting in the way.  At the rate he was going Castiel was going to have to sit on his hands.

 

“I will, promise...just gonna make a quick bite. You sure you don’t want one?” he asked, though when Cas opened his mouth Dean took the words out of it, “Yeah, I know..particles. Isn’t there some way you can like, chill it with the Angel grace long enough to enjoy a meal? Cause I gotta say man, you’re seriously deprived if you can taste the local cuisine while you’re down here.”

 

“I can try?  I’ve never really tried to before.  I mean, I’ve all but shut off the Angel radio,” Castiel said biting his lip.  He didn’t want to shut down his entire self, to even attempt something like that could be painful.  That...and he had some pretty naughty ideas to use his grace on Dean but that was for later.  He snickered at the thought and closed his eyes, focusing on his grace centered around his senses.  He’d have to mute all of them if this was going to work but he wasn’t afraid.  He’d seen and touched Dean when he was just merely a human and nothing had changed then.

 

When his eyes fluttered open everything seemed a bit duller to him.  Well everything but Dean of course, ‘May I try some of yours as a test?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, sure...just lemme throw it on the griddle...trust me, makes everything better.” It was just a sandwich, but if Cas was going to eat his first human food that wasn’t out of necessity or made of particles, Dean was doing his best to make sure it tasted good.

 

Once the bread was golden brown he pulled it off the stove and grabbed a plate to slide it off on. He sat it down in front of Cas but held out his hand, “Wait a minute, it’s still hot. With your powers shut down or whatever I don’t want you to burn yourself.”

 

He started making another, convinced that if Cas couldn’t eat it or didn’t want to, he could finish them both off easily enough. Not wanting to let the little thrill of hope get too out of hand. He had to admit; sharing meals with Cas, having his angel actually enjoy them. That felt like the making of a dream too. Only this time, maybe it would be real.

 

Castiel smiled watching Dean busy himself around the kitchen before joining him at the table.  He took in a deep breath and brought the sandwich to his lips.  It smelled fantastic and took a very small bite, completely expecting a mouthful of gross tasting molecules.  To his utter surprise it tasted exactly how it smelled and he groaned.

 

“I can actually taste it,” he laughed, wanting to shove the whole thing into his mouth but instead took a rather large bite.  Oh it tasted divine, grease, cheese and whatever meat it was that Dean had added to it.

 

Dean’s smile was so wide that it felt like it was splitting his face. “Alright, take it easy. I’ll make you another one, actually…” Dean took the lettuce and tore a piece off, “Try a little of this on it, and see if you like it.”

 

Castiel put the green leaf on his sandwich and took another bite.  After he nodded Dean began adding all kinds of stuff to it until Castiel had all but finished his.  Dean even gave him his own to add different things.  When bacon got added to the mix Castiel made noises that made Dean blush all the way to his ears.

 

“Oh, I can’t eat anymore,” Castiel groaned, looking pathetically at the last half of his third sandwich.  Even though his stomach was full his taste buds were starving.  Dean chuckled as Castiel picked out the pieces of bacon and shoved them into his mouth.

 

“Alright, I think that’s enough...for now. But remind me to find you some pie _ASAP_ ,” Dean chuckled, clearing away their dishes. He’d clean them up later but he didn’t want to leave a big mess behind. Cas helped by putting some stuff back in the fridge and together they were finished quickly.

 

“C’mon, let’s go see this view I’ve heard so much about,” Dean grinned, taking Cas’ hand in his own and fighting back the blush he was getting more and more used to. He’d have to get over that before heading back to the bunker, Sammy would never let him live it down if he saw him acting like a teenage girl.

 

Castiel laughed, following Dean but made sure to be quiet to hear Dean’s soft gasp once the door was pushed open, “See?  Imagine the sunrise we’ll see tomorrow,” he whispered wrapping his arms tightly around Dean’s waist from behind.  

 

“That’s if I’m up at sunrise,” Dean teased, knowing he’d make the effort, just to see it for Cas.

 

“It is pretty awesome,” he admitted, grinning over his shoulder. “C’mon, lay down with me. No pressure, just wanna stretch out and relax a little.”

 

“You know, you don’t have to keep saying that Dean,” Castiel chuckled moving to lay down next to Dean, moving into his space to rest his head on Dean’s chest.  It was his favorite place to be.  He could hear Dean’s heart so clearly.

 

“I just...I’m a little scared that if we uh, if we get into it...that I’m gonna wake up,” Dean confessed quietly, his voice thick with vulnerability. He was terrified it would all be taken from him and he’d be left worse than before. Actually having Cas back in his life felt too good and in his experience, he wasn’t allowed good for very long.

 

“Dean…” Castiel sat up enough to see the fear in Dean’s eyes and he surged forward, kissing him hard.  The fear was within himself as well.  Any moment Dean left his eyesight he was frozen thinking that this was it, that he’d wake up back in the empty.

 

“It’s okay, we’re here.  This isn’t a dream anymore,” he said softly moving to sit on Dean’s legs.  His hands went up Dean’s shirt, one to rest right over his heart while the other clung to his side, “This is real.”

 

“Don’t you see it though, Cas? Somehow that’s even more terrifying.” His heart beat so quickly, so loudly that it seemed to echo in his ears. The reality of the situation was also like a weight sitting on his chest. If it _was_ real, how long could he hold onto it before it was taken away from him like everything else.  


Castiel pulled Dean up so that he was sitting and cupped his face, “It is. I’m scared the next case you take could be your last.  But do we want to spend the rest of our time together in fear?  We’ve been through literal hell together and wasted so much time already.  If you think I wouldn’t uproot this world to find you again if something were to happen then you haven’t been paying attention,” Castiel laughed a little.

 

“Okay, so we do this… we do this and we hold onto it for as long as we can.” Dean said, his voice trembling a little as his fear tried to overwhelm him. Instead, he closed his eyes and he fought back with the memories of all the times they’d been torn apart only to come back stronger.

 

Dean tugged gently at Cas’ hair until he looked up at him. “We fight like hell and we keep this, deal?”

 

“Deal, I’m not letting anyone or anything separate us ever again Dean,” Castiel sighed, inching his body closer so he could wrap his arms and legs around Dean.  It lifted the ache squeezing his heart as a soft moan flitted out from his lips.  Snuggling with Dean had always been pleasurable in it’s own way but this was so much better.

 

“Good,” Dean agreed, scooting down the bed until they were evenly lined up. He tugged Cas in against his lips, the action more fluid, more practiced now that they’d shared it a few times outside of the dreams.

 

He teased a little, played with Cas’ lips until they were swollen and red, grinning with pride in himself when he saw the thin dark ring around his iris spread until it almost consumed the familiar stormy blue. During their little makeout session Cas’ hands were roaming freely over his body but neither of them had actually touched anything responsive.

 

“I’ll admit that there’s quite a bit of this that’s new to me but I want to try, will you let me?” he asked, rolling them over until Castiel’s back was flat against the bed and he was hovering over the angel.

 

“Please,” Castiel whispered, his heart thudding in his chest.  Whatever Dean asked of him he was surely going to agree to.  Their dreams had all been a tease, taking away the best parts from them like some kind of punishment.  He wanted this so badly his body was beginning to ache with want.

 

“You don’t have to ask Dean, I’m yours,” he said before capturing Dean’s lips once more.

 

Dean couldn’t help himself he smiled, then leaned in to kiss Cas again, savoring the taste of his tongue. He sat himself down on Castiel’s thighs, just long enough to help him out of his shirt. His hands mapping out the lines that felt new and familiar at the same time. Dean took his time, sliding further down until he saw the bulge pushing out against the denim of Cas’ new jeans.

 

 _It’s just a dick, Dean...nothin’ to worry about_.

 

Castiel smiled watching Dean’s thought flit across his face until his human nodded resolutely to himself and proceeded to undo Castiel’s jeans.  Lifting up his hips he helped Dean ease them off and only heard the soft plop of them hitting the floor.  It wasn’t fair that he was the only one in his underwear and worked to fix that issue, his fingers trembling slightly when he reached up.  He’d rebuilt this body once before, had seen every inch of Dean’s soul as he had pieced it back together.  To feel it once again, that soft skin against his fingertips was overwhelming at times like now.  He finally managed to get the button undone and the zipper down, “Take them off Dean,” he said, pouting when Dean wouldn’t help him.

 

“Okay, okay.. Just… you gotta let me do this before you get too handsy. I don’t wanna-I wanna focus on you for now. If that’s okay,” he said, feeling flushed with a teenage embarrassment. He’d never had a problem with this stuff before, even his first few times fooling around were smoother than this. Dean had always been able to fake bravado, but with Cas all his layers were torn down and he couldn’t do that anymore.

 

“That’s fine but that’s not going to stop me from wanting to see you,” Castiel said with a quirked brow.

 

“Okay,” Dean said, backing off the bed long enough to strip himself down. Didn’t even hesitate as he pulled his boxers down with the jeans and tossed them to the side. It took him a second to realize the noise he heard was a gasp from Cas who was staring at him with a hungry look in his eyes. Not all that different from the time he’d jokingly told him that look had got him laid.

 

“I don’t know what you’re thinkin’ there, angel but I promise I’ll let you have your wicked way with me once I’m done,” Dean said with a small laugh, feeling the air just barely escape. He crawled back up the bed, putting himself between Cas’ legs and licked his lips.

 

“So not fair,” Castiel groaned, his hands itching to reach out and grab Dean.  His cock was beautiful like the rest of the man was.  Somehow he managed to keep himself from touching.  Dean needed this first, he could see it so clearly in his eyes.

 

Experimentally, Dean took his hand and rubbed against the long line of Cas’ cock. It was new and a little weird but it didn’t freak him out nearly as much as he’d expected. He wrapped his fingers around it and started to squeeze around the base. Dean watched as the gorgeous face that had been staring at him, went slack with pleasure.

 

He took his hand away, drawing a long whine out of Cas but wetting his palm was important. He spat on his hand and quickly put it back, stroking from the base up and over the tip, squeezing and twisting his hand as he went.

 

“Oh gooood,” Castiel groaned, back arching off the bed as his head dug into the pillow.  Little shocks of pleasure began to slither out through his veins.  It had started slow but grew in intensity with each squeeze of Dean’s fingers around his shaft.

 

“Feels amazing Dean,” he grunted, hips jerking up.

 

“Good to know,” he chuckled, “hold on I’ve got something that can make it feel even better.”

 

Dean almost regretted it but he’d need the supplies regardless, so he popped off the bed and made his way over to the bag he’d stuffed down in his duffle. He grabbed the bottle of lube and the condoms, just in case...not that he expected to need them. Angels probably couldn’t catch anything and he was pretty sure if Cas could heal a gunshot wound, VD wasn’t gonna get him.

 

Dean rushed to open the bottle and warmed it up with his hands before putting his slicked up fist back around Cas’ dick. He’d started to feel more and more confident with his actions, the encouragement feeding his ego little by little. Dean started to get into a rhythm and soon he had Castiel arching off the bed, trying to fuck into his fist.

 

It was by far one of the hottest things he’d ever seen.

 

“Fuck, you’re beautiful.”

 

Castiel’s eyes had rolled up into his head as the pressure around his cock became tighter, faster.  The slithering pleasure was now a rush and he couldn’t contain the moans leaving his lips.

 

“Dean, oh God,” he panted, peeling his eyes open to glance down at Dean’s fist working his leaking cock.

 

“That’s it, sweetheart...want you to watch. Don’t let this be taken from us again,” Dean said, smiling up at his angel. His wrist moved faster, squeezing hard around the tip when the precum dripped over the mushroomed head, “C’mon, Cas...wanna see you fall apart, Angel.”

 

Castiel’s mouth dropped open as he forced himself to keep his eyes open.  His fingers dug into the sheets, knuckles turning white as he writhed, hips rutting up into Dean’s fist.  There was a deep pull in his gut and with one final twist of Dean’s wrist he came with a shout.

 

“Dean!  Oh!”

 

The feeling of warm cum shooting over his hand wasn’t anything new but the fact that it was Cas’ made everything feel different, _special_. He made sure to keep squeezing, tugging up and down the shaft until the waves of orgasm left his angel whining, whimpering even.

 

Dean’s mouth began to water at mess on his hand. He’d never wanted so badly to taste anything before but his own wasn’t all that pleasant and he worried that it might put him off blowjobs in the future, but it was Cas...and Cas was different so before he could really process it any further, his tongue was gliding over the sensitive tip, wanting to taste it straight from Castiel.

 

The most undignified noise left Castiel along with all the air in his lungs.  His body was already strung out from his release but now Dean’s tongue was touching at his sensitive cock.  There was no way he could lock down the whine or the following gasps and whimpers.  He didn’t want to stop Dean either.

 

He let the salty taste settle on his tongue for a few seconds, trying to decide on how he felt about it. Though, Dean knew that any unpleasant taste would be drowned out with the knowledge that he’d given Cas, his best friend, his angel, a satisfying release.

 

“Mmm… yeah, I’m going to enjoy exploring _that_ later,” Dean chuckled, working his way up the bed to drop down next to Cas’ limp form. He let out a satisfactory sigh, a smug smile on his face.

 

“That, that was amazing,” Castiel huffed out a laugh, tongue flicking out to wet his dry lips.  He turned his head to look up at Dean and smiled, a soft hum leaving his lips as Dean kissed him.  He could taste himself and he moaned, rolling slowly so that he was now hovering over Dean.  His lover’s cock still hard and pulsing against his stomach.

 

“My turn?” he asked with a leer.

 

“Have at it, but I can’t promise you it’ll last very long,” Dean laughed, not even embarrassed by what he was sure would be a short trip. He might have been, if it were anyone else but this moment with Cas had been at the center of his fantasies for as long as he could remember knowing the guy. It had started out as awkward thoughts that made him question everything he knew about himself but over the years he’d gotten much more comfortable with who he was.

 

“Don’t worry, I won’t mind,” Castiel grinned.  He leaned in for a kiss that he only allowed to continue for a moment before he was kissing his way down Dean’s chest.  He paid each nipple some attention, loving the hiss that Dean made.  After a moment he began his journey south again, nipping, sucking and licking at each freckle he came across until he was at the man’s belly button.  There was already a bead of precum dribbling down Dean’s cock and he grinned.  He locked eyes with Dean and slowly licked up his shaft, his lips wrapping around the head before giving it a gentle suck.

 

“Fuck,” Dean said, half chuckling to himself as he hissed out his surprise. “Just goin’ straight for it huh?”

 

He inhaled quickly and tried to calm himself down. He didn’t want to close his eyes on the image Cas made as the chapped pink lips wrapped around his dick. He’d gotten enough blowjobs to know how to control his hips, not wanting to choke anyone, but that didn’t seem to matter because once Cas got a taste of him the guy just fucking swallowed him down.

 

“Shit ahhhh-shit, oh God…fuck, not gonna-ungh-not gonna last if you keep that up.”

 

Dean wasn’t the only one who knew how to tease.  Castiel rolled his eyes up as he dragged the flat of his tongue up his shaft and dipped it into the slit, “Would you like some help?” he asked, allowing for some of his grace to glide over Dean’s body like a silky caress.  

 

Pleasure slid through him in waves, something warm and smooth skating across his skin. “F-fuck, uh, shit Cas...I can’t think...umm what do you mean by help?”

 

Without saying a word Castiel guided his grace to wrap around the base of Dean’s cock, “Like this?” he grinned at the wide, shocked look Dean was giving him.  Before the man could really answer Castiel started up his slow sucks again to the head of Dean’s cock, taking more and more of him into his mouth.  The moment he touched the back Castiel’s throat he almost pulled back in fear of gagging but nothing happened.  He moaned around the thick shaft and pushed further, letting Dean slip into his throat this time.

 

Dean’s eyes rolled so far back in his head that Dean’s lids closed automatically, pleasure rushing through him with the intensity of a lightning bolt. There was no time to warn Cas, no time to think before the most powerful orgasm he’d ever experienced, ripped through him.

 

His heart jumped a few beats, forcing his brain to shut down just a little, rendering him unconscious.

 

Castiel quickly opened his throat and swallowed everything Dean gave him, most of which ended up gushing out the side of his mouth.  The only warning he got was Dean’s sudden intake of breath.  Apparently he hadn’t gotten his grace around Dean in time.  He pulled back with a chuckle as he wiped at his mouth, stopping short when he noticed Dean was passed out.

 

“Dean?” he called out scrambling up the bed to turn his head.  He was breathing deeply but his eyes remained closed.  Panic surged through him and he nearly fell on his face in his haste to get off the bed and to his phone.  He only had two numbers in it and one of which belonged to the man clearly passed out.

 

“Dammit,” he growled out pressing Sam’s name.

 

Sam was deep into the lore on a pack of werewolves that had lived through, what seemed to be, countless generations. They weren’t bloodthirsty beasts, but humans who occasionally transformed, all within their control.

 

He wasn’t sure there was any truth to it but if there was…

 

His phone vibrated across the table, bringing him out of his thoughts. When he saw an unfamiliar number, his back wrenched straight. “Hello?”

 

“Sam, your brother has passed out and I’m not sure what to do,” Castiel said and took a breath, “Hi by the way.”

 

“Uh, Cas?’ Sam asked. He was confused by the way the words rushed out, so it took him a minute for it to register.

 

“Did you guys go out last night? Maybe he had a little too much to drink,” Sam offered, wouldn’t be the first time Dean self-medicated with booze and passed out.

 

“No, no nothing like that.  He hasn’t had a drink since we’ve been reunited.  I had performed oral sex on him after he achieved orgasm, he was rendered unconscious...is that normal?” Castiel asked glancing back over at Dean who hadn’t moved.

 

“No-nononono, I did not need to know that Castiel. Dean is fine, don’t call back!” Sam said, hanging up and tossing his phone away quickly. He shuddered and then quickly rushed toward the shower...it wouldn’t be enough but it was a start.

 

Castiel frowned and looked at his phone, “Well that was rude,” he muttered throwing the phone back on the dresser.  Biting his lip he went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water.  He’d seen Dean do the same for Sam when he was ill.  

 

He contemplated pouring it over Dean’s head but he thought better of it.  If the pleasure Castiel had given him caused this, he didn’t want to scare Dean awake.  Sighing softly he took a drink of the water instead and crawled back in bed, his arm going around Dean to wait for him to wake up.

 

His body felt loose and fuzzy, his skin tingled from head to toe as he started to wake. Once he was able to open his eyes the tingling sensation slowed to a stop.

 

“Mmfph,” he groaned, a warm weight on his chest. He started to push at it until Cas’ voice filtered into his ears.

 

“Dean?  Are you awake?” Castiel asked blinking his eyes open.  He’d been on the edge of sleep himself when he felt Dean start to fidget.  He sat up a little and smiled when Dean’s confused eyes settled on him and softened.

 

“Cas, hey..” Dean said, feeling his lips pull up into a smile. Sleep was still teasing at the edge of his mind but he had more important things to focus on. With no small amount of awe, Dean spoke again, “You’re here.”

 

Castiel swallowed hard and nodded, “Yes, you are too,” he laughed a little, leaning in to kiss at Dean’s lips chastely, “You worried me,” he whispered.

 

“Huh? Why?” Dean asked, confused.

 

“Well, you sort of...passed out after you orgasmed,” Castiel said, his cheeks burning.

 

“Oh, uh...sorry about that,” Dean said, groaning in embarrassment.

 

“I haven’t done that in a long time but I could see it happening with you,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms tighter around Cas and pulling him close. He buried his nose in Cas’ neck, teasingly nipping at the skin there. “That was one hell of an orgasm, angel.”

 

Castiel laughed, his head tilting some to give Dean more room even though it tickled, “Good, I’m glad I was able to give you that much pleasure.  It was something I’ve been wanting to do for quite some time,” he said with a lazy grin on his face.

 

“Yeah, me too…” Dean answered, kissing gently against the closest bare skin he could find. “Not to be harsh, Cas but I’m probably gonna crash for a few hours. Will you stay?”

 

“Of course, I’ll be right here when you wake back up,” Castiel promised, knowing it meant much more than either of them were willing to admit.  He kissed at Dean’s cheek and pulled him close, this time letting Dean rest his head on his chest.

 

“Mmm, love you Cas.” Dean mumbled, sleep quickly overtaking him. He wasn’t sure if the response he got was dreamed or real, but either way it made his heart flutter in his chest.

 

“I love you too Dean, always,” Castiel whispered even though he knew Dean was already asleep.  He pulled the blankets up over their naked bodies and held Dean tightly as he gazed out through the window, a small smile flitting on his lips as the sun began to set.

 

He was finally _home_.

 


End file.
